OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

[sunbaked_baker]

The shortening days of November mean that 'evening' starts early in Milliways.

"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."

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[herr_bookman]

Autor carries a tea tray in his hands and two cans of soda under his arms, pinning them next to his ribcage. "Sounds good, Rae," he says cheerfully. "I'm really looking forward to this."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Me too," she agrees with a contented sigh, bringing the bowl of popcorn over and setting it down so she can open the movie's box and get out the disk. "It's been entirely too long."

[herr_bookman]

"It has," Autor says, setting the tea tray down on the bed and pouring two cups' worth for them. "I wonder if this movie will be as good as the book."

[sunbaked_baker]

"We'll just have to watch it and find out," she declares, grinning. "It's been absolute ages since I read that book. I doubt I'll remember all the details. The movie might as well be a fresh experience for me."

[herr_bookman]

"I hope it'll be a good one," Autor says, offering her her tea. He kicks his shoes off and settles on the bed, waiting for the lion to roar on the screen and the opening credits.

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae puts the disk in the player andpushes the appropriate buttons to set the movie in motion, then toes off her shoes and flops on the bed as well, tugging pillows down to the foot of the bed for them to use.

"Oh, I should think so. Even a bad movie in good company is a good movie," she replies, cheerfully, as the lion roars.

[herr_bookman]

Autor smiles at her, sipping his tea. The scene opens up on a baseball video game, played by a young boy who coughs. His mother enters the room and greets him, telling him that his grandfather's here.

"He'll pinch my cheek," the boy complains. "I hate that."

"This is an interesting framing device," Autor points out.

[sunbaked_baker]

"It really is," Rae says, intrigued, then she snorts a laugh as the grandfather comes in and immediately pinches the boy's cheek. The boy's look is priceless.

"I brought you a special present," declares the grandfather, straightening up.

"What is it?" asks the boy, doubtful.

"Open it up."

"Ohhh," Rae says, recognizing what the gift is from its tell-tale shape.

[herr_bookman]

"A book?" the boy asks, disappointed.

Autor scoffs. "He should be grateful to get a book," he says. "Books are lovely."

"This is a special book," the grandfather says. "It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm going to read it to you."

He settles in a chair. The boy asks, "Does it got any sports in it?"

"Are you kidding?" the grandfather says, gesturing wildly. "Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles!"

"Torture? Well, that's age appropriate," Autor says, raising his brows.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake."

The grandfather's snarky "Yes, thank you very much. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming," is dry as a desert.

"That kid doesn't deserve half as good luck as he's got," Rae remarks, dry. It's clear that the movie's audience is firmly on the grandfather's side when it comes to books, and that the kid is getting little sympathy. "I loved being read to when I was little."

The grandfather puts on his glasses, licks his thumb to begin turning pages to the beginning, and starts, "Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin..."

[herr_bookman]

"No kidding," Autor says, shaking his head at the kid's attitude.

"Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around," the grandfather reads, as Buttercup, a tall blonde, trounces onto the screen from riding her horse.

"Farm boy!" she calls to Westley. "Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

"As you wish," Westley says, and Buttercup flounces out of the stable.

"'As you wish' was all he ever said to her," the grandfather says.

"That had to get boring," Autor says, scooping up some popcorn in his hand.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Farm boy, fill these with water."

Westley straightens from splitting logs and looks at her.

"Please," Buttercup adds.

And that's when Sunshine starts snickering into her tea. "He's smoldering at her!"

[herr_bookman]

"He kind of is," Autor says, blushing into his popcorn.

"That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he actually meant was, 'I love you,'" the grandfather says.

"Well, that explains the smoldering," Autor says dryly.

"And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back," the grandfather says, as Buttercup kneads dough.

"Farm boy? Fetch me that pitcher?" Buttercup commands, bringing Westley close to her.

"Oh, just kiss already," Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

And at sunset, Autor gets his wish they kiss already.

"Does she really love him, though? Or just someone who'll do what she says and smolder at her like that?" Rae remarks, still snickering as the grandson interrupts, wondering if he's been duped into listening to a kissing book instead of a tale of daring-do. She adds, dryly, "That kid sounds a lot like Billy when he was that age. Eewwww, kiiissiiiiing."

The grandfather explains that Westley had no money to seek his fortune, so he left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. But tragedy struck, as the ship he was on was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left any captives alive.

[herr_bookman]

"Murdered by pirates is good," the boy pipes up, and Autor laughs.

"I think she really loves him," Autor says, shrugging, "though having someone to smolder at her has to be nice."

Five years later, Prince Humperdinck announces that Buttercup will be his wife.

"She was a commoner like yourselves, but perhaps you'll not find her so common now," Humperdink says, introducing Buttercup as the princess.

"Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride," the grandfather reads.

"I remember in the book she grew really depressed," Autor says, sipping his tea.

[sunbaked_baker]

"...Did her parents help her through her depression at all? Or do they care that she's being married to a prince she doesn't love?" Rae wonders aloud, resting her chin in her hand as she watches Buttercup ride her horse across the idyllic landscape "I'm surprised no one in the crowd noticed how unenthused she was."

Buttercup rides her horse directly up to three men standing waiting for her in the woods. 'A word, my lady?' asks the shortest of the three. 'We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?'

'There is nothing nearby,' answers Buttercup, truthfully. 'Not for miles.'

'Then there will be no one to hear you scream,' replies the shortest of the three men, as the tallest approaches her.

"Of course," Rae grins, amused.

[herr_bookman]

"I can't recall if her parents have a presence in the book at all," Autor says, shaking his head.

The shortest of the three men, Vizzini, tears some fabric and places it inside the horse's saddle, explaining that it's from a uniform of a soldier from Guilder. "Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Guildarians have abducted his love," Vizzini explains, going onto say that they plan to kill Buttercup and leave her body on the Guilder frontier.

Inigo and Fezzik protest the killing of an innocent girl, and Vizzini shuts them down. "Remember this, never forget this: when I found you," Vizzini says to Inigo, "you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! And you!" He turns to Fezzik. "Friendless. Brainless. Helpless. Hopeless. Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?"

"That might come back to bite him," Autor points out.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Oh, definitely," Rae agrees, sipping her tea and grinning as Inigo and Fezzik rhyme together. "It's a classic set-up, with really only two ways it could go. The villain who's abusive to the other villains either kills the other two or they turn on him. And since the other two have shown some manner of morality and at least one of them is obviously meant to be dashing, it's looking like the latter scenario."

'Fezzik! Are there rocks ahead?' Inigo asks.
'If there are,' Fezzik answers with good cheer, 'we'll all be dead!'
'No more rhyming, now! I mean it!'
'Does anybody want a peanut?'

Rae snickers at Vizzini's irritation as the ship sails away. "Reminds me of our attempts at alliterative artistry."

[herr_bookman]

"Our attempts were much better," Autor says, cheerfully smug.

The ship sails on to the night, and Inigo keeps looking backward. "You're sure no one's following us?" he asks Vizzini.

"That would be inconceivable," Vizzini says.

Buttercup glares at Vizzini. "You will be caught and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged."

"Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worried about is your own," Vizzini says, shutting her up.

Inigo looks back again, which causes Vizzini to chide him. Inigo remains firm. "For some reason, I just happened to look behind us and something is there."

Vizzini leaps to his feet, and spots a ship with a white sail.

"Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night... through eel-infested waters," Vizzini rationalizes.

"Right," Autor says, squinting at the screen. "Just a local fisherman."

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae grins. "It's never just a local fisherman."

There is a splash as Buttercup jumps overboard.

"Oh dear. In eel-infested waters, too," Rae says, eyebrows rising. She offers the bowl of popcorn to Autor.

Inigo and Fezzik don't swim, much to Vizzini's irritation. "Veer left!" he orders.

"You mean 'Hard to port!'" Rae offers, helpfully. "Even I know that much."

[herr_bookman]

Autor gratefully takes some popcorn as Buttercup finds herself surrounded by screaming monsters.

"Do you know what that sound is, highness?" Vizzini says, leaning on the side of the boat. "Those are the shrieking eels."

A massive eel slithers next to Buttercup, and she gasps. Vizzini promises no harm will come to her if she swims back to the boat. An eel swims up to her and opens its gargantuan, tooth-filled mouth--and the scene cuts to the grandfather.

"She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time," he says to the boy. "The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you look nervous."

"I wasn't nervous," the boy says, and the grandfather gives him a skeptical look. "Maybe I was a little bit concerned, which is not the same thing."

"Yeah, right," Autor says, grinning at Rae. "I bet he was terrified."

[sunbaked_baker]

'No,' says the boy. 'You could read a little bit more, if you want.'

"He's hooked," Rae grins back, leaning on Autor's shoulder. "And he doesn't even know it. Isn't that always the way, with the best books?"

Trying to find his place, the grandfather murmurs through the tense scene previously shown, "All right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her...', his dry voice overlaying the images of Buttercup's fear and the teeth of the eel. "...and then!"

Fezzik, wielding an oar, hits the eel with a solid and final WHUMP, and lifts Buttercup out of the water and into the boat.

As Vizzini fusses, Rae tries to stop snickering. "Oh man. That sound effect. All that tension and build-up, and then! WHUMP."

[herr_bookman]

Autor nudges her with his shoulder. "The best movies have those kinds of sound effects."

"I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?" Vizzini asks Buttercup.

"Only compared to some," is her scathing reply.

The next day, they reach the Cliffs of Insanity with the 'local fisherman' right on top of them. Inigo steers the boat to a standstill at the cliff side, and fits Fezzik into a harness for carrying all three of them up a rope.

"He's climbing the rope," Inigo says, pointing out the man in black. "And he's gaining on us."

"Inconceivable," Vizzini says, and demands that Fezzik go faster. "You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains."

"And countdown to them turning on him in three, two, one..." Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Seriously," Rae says, watching the ascent. "Apparently they're being tailed by Zorro."

"I do not accept excuses," hisses Vizzini. "I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant that's all."

"Right now? Halfway up the cliff?" Sunshine remarks. "If he fires Fezzik, does Fezzik get to drop him?"

At the top, they haul themselves up over the ledge and onto the flat clifftop. Inigo gets over first and helps Buttercup up, who promptly wilts and lies down. Once he's up, Vizzini rushes over to cut the rope that the man in black still climbs.

[herr_bookman]

Vizzini cuts the rope, which sails over the ledge. Inigo peeks over the edge, and notes that the man in black is still there.

"He didn't fall? Inconceivable!" Vizzini says.

"You keep using that word," Inigo says. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

Vizzini instructs Fezzik to carry the princess and Inigo to kill the man in black with the sword.

"I'll have to duel him left-handed," Inigo says.

"You know what a hurry we're in!" Vizzini says, gesturing wildly.

"It's the only way I can be satisfied," Inigo says. "If I use my right, it will be over too quickly."

"These men are ridiculous," Autor says, sipping his tea. "Especially Vizzini."