OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

[sunbaked_baker]

The shortening days of November mean that 'evening' starts early in Milliways.

"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."

Comments

[herr_bookman]

Autor gratefully takes some popcorn as Buttercup finds herself surrounded by screaming monsters.

"Do you know what that sound is, highness?" Vizzini says, leaning on the side of the boat. "Those are the shrieking eels."

A massive eel slithers next to Buttercup, and she gasps. Vizzini promises no harm will come to her if she swims back to the boat. An eel swims up to her and opens its gargantuan, tooth-filled mouth--and the scene cuts to the grandfather.

"She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time," he says to the boy. "The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you look nervous."

"I wasn't nervous," the boy says, and the grandfather gives him a skeptical look. "Maybe I was a little bit concerned, which is not the same thing."

"Yeah, right," Autor says, grinning at Rae. "I bet he was terrified."

[sunbaked_baker]

'No,' says the boy. 'You could read a little bit more, if you want.'

"He's hooked," Rae grins back, leaning on Autor's shoulder. "And he doesn't even know it. Isn't that always the way, with the best books?"

Trying to find his place, the grandfather murmurs through the tense scene previously shown, "All right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her...', his dry voice overlaying the images of Buttercup's fear and the teeth of the eel. "...and then!"

Fezzik, wielding an oar, hits the eel with a solid and final WHUMP, and lifts Buttercup out of the water and into the boat.

As Vizzini fusses, Rae tries to stop snickering. "Oh man. That sound effect. All that tension and build-up, and then! WHUMP."

[herr_bookman]

Autor nudges her with his shoulder. "The best movies have those kinds of sound effects."

"I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?" Vizzini asks Buttercup.

"Only compared to some," is her scathing reply.

The next day, they reach the Cliffs of Insanity with the 'local fisherman' right on top of them. Inigo steers the boat to a standstill at the cliff side, and fits Fezzik into a harness for carrying all three of them up a rope.

"He's climbing the rope," Inigo says, pointing out the man in black. "And he's gaining on us."

"Inconceivable," Vizzini says, and demands that Fezzik go faster. "You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains."

"And countdown to them turning on him in three, two, one..." Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Seriously," Rae says, watching the ascent. "Apparently they're being tailed by Zorro."

"I do not accept excuses," hisses Vizzini. "I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant that's all."

"Right now? Halfway up the cliff?" Sunshine remarks. "If he fires Fezzik, does Fezzik get to drop him?"

At the top, they haul themselves up over the ledge and onto the flat clifftop. Inigo gets over first and helps Buttercup up, who promptly wilts and lies down. Once he's up, Vizzini rushes over to cut the rope that the man in black still climbs.

[herr_bookman]

Vizzini cuts the rope, which sails over the ledge. Inigo peeks over the edge, and notes that the man in black is still there.

"He didn't fall? Inconceivable!" Vizzini says.

"You keep using that word," Inigo says. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

Vizzini instructs Fezzik to carry the princess and Inigo to kill the man in black with the sword.

"I'll have to duel him left-handed," Inigo says.

"You know what a hurry we're in!" Vizzini says, gesturing wildly.

"It's the only way I can be satisfied," Inigo says. "If I use my right, it will be over too quickly."

"These men are ridiculous," Autor says, sipping his tea. "Especially Vizzini."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Oh, I don't know. I think it might be just Vizzini. The other two are okay," Rae says, as Fezzik pats Inigo on the shoulder.

"You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted."
"I'm WAITING," chimes in Vizzini, impatiently. Vizzini, Fezzik and the princess depart, leaving Inigo to get ready for the duel and watch the masked man climb up the cliff.

"Hello there!" calls Inigo, giving an amiable wave to the man in black. "Slow going?"

The answer - a dry request to not distract him - from the masked man makes Rae snort with amusement. "You hardly ever see pragmatists in fantasy stories. I approve."

[herr_bookman]

"He does seem rather practical, doesn't he?" Autor says, nibbling on some popcorn.

It's not long before Inigo is peering over the ledge again. "I do not suppose you could speed things up?"

"If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do," the man in black says.

"I could do that," Inigo says, glancing back at the rope. "I've got some rope up here, but I do not think you will accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you."

The masked man just looks at him. "That does put a damper on our relationship."

Autor snorts.

[sunbaked_baker]

"There is absolutely nothing wrong is accepting help from someone who may or may not kill you," Rae says, dryly. "Shows what they know."

"But," assures Inigo, "I promise not to kill you until you reach the top."

"That's very comforting," replies the man in black, "but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."

"...I hate waiting."

Rae snickers. "They've reached a stalemate, it seems, for now."

"Isn't there any way you'll trust me?"

"...Nothing comes to mind," grits the man in black, trying for another handhold.

But then, Inigo solemnly swears on the soul of his father that the man will reach the top alive.


"Oooh," Rae is impressed.

[herr_bookman]

So is the man in black. "Throw me the rope," he says.

Inigo lowers the rope and helps the masked man climb to the top of the ledge. He gives him a moment or two to catch his breath. "I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?" Inigo asks.

"Do you always begin conversations this way?" the masked man asks dryly.

"My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man," Inigo tells him.

"The plot thickens," Autor says, sipping his tea.

[sunbaked_baker]

"He was a great sword-maker, my father," Inigo goes on, accompanied by faintly mysterious-sounding harp music. "When the six-fingerd man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job..."

"Yeah, I'm not worried about this guy," Rae sips her tea and grins. "He's shown to be generally a good sort. Honorable, fair, and he has a tragic backstory. He's practically home-free."

Inigo tells his tale of woe to the man in black.

"...I dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six fingered man and say, 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'"

Rae leans over to Autor and offers the bowl of popcorn. "Shall we take bets on how long it takes for the six-fingered man to show up in the movie?"

[herr_bookman]

"Oh, within the next ten minutes would be my guess," Autor says, gratefully accepting some popcorn. "You can't give a character a great introduction like that and not show him soon."

"You see, I cannot find him," Inigo says, sitting down next to the masked man. "It has been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence."

"Definitely within the next ten minutes," Autor says.

The masked man stands, and Inigo draws his sword. "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

"You seem a decent fellow," the masked man responds. "I hate to die."

Inigo opens by striking his sword twice and then slashing at him. The masked man dodges, and offers the same. They fence at each other, darting forward and back, two experts in their field. "You're using Bennetti's defense against me, ah?" Inigo says, thrusting with his sword and backing the masked man up a series of rocks.

"I thought it fitting, given the rocky terrain," the masked man says, with a skillful riposte.

"Naturally," Inigo says, lunging forward. "You must expect me to attack with Cappapello."

"Naturally, but I find Tybault cancels out Capappello. Don't you?" the masked man says, easily countering his thrust.

The masked man leaps backwards off the short cliff they were fighting on, and Inigo follows with a summersault. "Unless the enemy has studied his Aggripa," he says, holding his sword at the ready. "Which I have."

"Okay, now this is impressive," Autor says, settling on the bed. "That time I handled a sword, I could barely lift it without the adrenaline."

[sunbaked_baker]

"They're both really good," Rae agrees, cheerfully. This is so very entertaining. "But you can tell that neither of them really wants to hurt or kill the other."

Which is as it should be, with two such great characters.

Inigo is obviously enjoying himself. "I admit it, you are better than I am."
"Then why are you smiling?" asks the masked man, as he forces Inigo toward the cliff's edge.
"Because I know something you don't know," Inigo answers, smugly.
"And what is that?"
"I am not left-handed." With this revelation (which garners an "Ooooooh," from Sunshine), Inigo switches his sword to his right hand and the fight continues. Eventually, Inigo has the Man in Black cornered, pressed against the rocks of a crumbling clifftop wall.

"There is something I ought to tell you," says the man in black, as a few of the rocks of the wall behind him crumble and fall into the sea.
"Tell me," demands Inigo.
"I'm not left-handed either!"

"...And how long until they're the best of friends?" Rae muses, grinning. This is entirely too entertaining.

[herr_bookman]

"Ten minutes, I'd say," Autor says cheerfully.

The masked man disarms Inigo, sending his sword skittering down the steps and onto the rocky ground. Inigo leaps onto a bar to traverse the space and grabs his sword.

The man in black tosses his sword down into a pile of grass, where it stands up straight. Then he grabs hold of the bar, flipping around it twice before landing on his feet and taking up his sword again.

"Who are you?" Inigo says, squinting at him.

"No one of consequence," the masked man replies.

"I must know."

"Get used to disappointment."

At Inigo's shrug and quiet, "Okay," Autor laughs. "These two are wonderful."

[sunbaked_baker]

In the next bout of swordplay, Inigo's sword is knocked out of his hands and high into the air - but Inigo is able to evade the man in black long enough to catch it and resume the fight.

"Now you're just showing off," Rae calls, not at all complaining.

But as the Thrilling Fight Music crescendos, and swords flash every which way with increasing speed, the man in black abruptly disarms Inigo, who lowers himself onto his knees.

"Kill me quickly," he requests, as the man in black circles him.

"I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either...." The man In black hits Inigo over the head with the hilt of his sword, causing Inigo to crumple to the ground, out cold. Before he leaves, though, the man in black adds, "Please understand I hold you in the highest respect."

"Best. Friends," Rae declares her opinion to the world, laughing.

[herr_bookman]

"Indeed," Autor says, nudging her with his shoulder.

"Inconcievable!" Vizzini says as he spots the masked man catching up to the little party.

"Give her to me," he says to Fezzik, who sets Buttercup down. "Finish him. Finish him! Your way!"

"Oh, good, my way," Fezzik says. "Which way is my way?"

Vizzini impatiently instructs him to crush the man's head with a rock while hiding behind a boulder.

"My way's not very sportsmanlike," Fezzik says, as Vizzini runs away with the princess.

"How soon until the man in black befriends the giant?" Autor asks Rae.

[sunbaked_baker]

"He might not directly befriend him right away - like he did with Inigo," Rae remarks, watching the scene as the man in black and Fezzik trade words and then begin to 'fight.' The man in black looks, at first, like he has run into a brick wall. "This looks like the classic hero-beats-minions-one-by-one-until-he-reaches-the-boss setup. He'll likely just... yup, knock him out."

"That was almost easy."

"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake," remarks the man in the mask, having checked to make sure Fezzik is still alive. "But in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women."

With that, he takes off again, following Vizzini and Buttercup.

[herr_bookman]

"Definitely easier than I was expecting," Autor says, inclining his head to the masked man's prowess.

The scene cuts to a pair of boots tracing the steps of Inigo and the masked man's combat. "There was... a mighty... duel," Prince Humperdinck says.

"Oh, no, him again?" Autor says, pursing his lips.

"It ranged all over! They were both masters," Humperdinck says, climbing the steps.

"Who won?" his vassal says. "How did it end?"

"The loser ran off alone," Humperdinck says, jumping down from the cliff. "And the winner... followed those footprints... towards Guilder."

"If he keeps pausing while he speaks, he'll never get anywhere," Autor says, shaking his head.

"Clearly this was planned by warriors of Guilder," Prince Humperdinck guesses.

"Could this be a trap?" his vassal asks.

"I always think everything could be a trap," Humperdinck says smugly. "Which is why I'm still alive."

"Give me a break," Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Hang on a minute," Rae says, considering, as the man in black runs up the hill to find Vizzini and Buttercup waiting for him. "How many fingers has the prince got on his right hand? Hmm..."

"So," says Vizzini, indicating the flat rock set like a table, with two tall goblets of (presumably) wine. "It is down to you, and it is down to me."

"...I wonder how foolish Vizzini would have felt if Fezzik had come up, having killed the man in black, to find him with this complicated set-up all prepared," Rae snickers.

[herr_bookman]

"The prince is the masked man's enemy, not Inigo's," Autor points out. "It wouldn't do to have the main antagonist killed off by a side character."

Vizzini taunts the masked man with Buttercup's life, given that he holds a dagger at her throat. The masked man proposes a battle of wits, which Vizzini accepts, sheathing the dagger.

The man in black approaches the table and uncorks a small vial. "Inhale this, but do not touch," he says, to which Vizzini says he smells nothing. "What you do not smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is one of the more deadly poisons known to man."

"I bet he poisoned him on the inhale," Autor says, grinning.

The masked man takes the two goblets of wine and turns away with them. He turns back and instructs Vizzini to pick one to drink.

"But it's so simple," Vizzini says, pointing at him. "All I have to do is divine what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he is given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

He gestures to the wine. "But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You've made your decision, then?" the masked man asks.

"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Autor says, furrowing his brow.

[sunbaked_baker]

"I'm not sure where Guilder is in relation to Australia, but maybe it's to show just how far this conversation has wandered," Rae remarks, eyebrows raised as Vizzini rambles about people trusting and not trusting each other and which goblets of wine he cannot choose.

"Truly, you have a dizzying intellect," remarks the masked man.

"Okay, I like him. He can stay," Sunshine decides, reaching over to snag the teapot to top up her and Autor's cups of tea.

"Wait 'til I get going!" declares Vizzini (Rae may make a faint sound of incredulity at this, while she pours). "Where was I?"
"Australia," answers the masked man, flatly.
"Yes, Australia..."

"Well, I'm stumped," Rae says, setting the tea pot back down. "I've forgotten more of the book than I thought. What's your guess about where the poison is, Autor?"

[herr_bookman]

"I still think he poisoned him when he made him inhale the stuff," Autor says, gratefully accepting his tea.

"You're just stalling now," the masked man tells Vizzini.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Vizzini cries, pointing at him. "You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. Which means you may be relying on your strength to save you, which means I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You're trying to trick me into giving something away," the masked man says. "It won't work."

"It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!"

"Then make your choice."

"I will! And I choose... What in the world can that be?" Vizzini says, pointing over to the distant mountain.

"What? Where?" the masked man says, turning to look.

Vizzini switches the cups, giggling.

"What's so funny?" the masked man says.

"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink," Vizzini says. "Me from my glass, and you from yours."

They lift the goblets and drink.

"You guessed wrong," the masked man says.

"You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny!" Vizzini says. "I switched glasses when your back was turned! You've fallen victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get into a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Vizzini cackles, giving himself fully over to laughter--and keels over.

"Well," Autor says, tilting his head. "That didn't take long."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Fast acting and apparently painless," Rae remarks, chuckling a little (how he just stopped laughing and keeled over was amusing). "Not a bad way to go, all things considered."

After the masked man releases Buttercup, she stands, looking down at Vizzini.

"And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned," she murmurs.
"They were both poisoned," replies the masked man, off-handedly. "I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder."

With that, he grabs her arm and they run off.

"Well that's convenient," Rae mutters, as Prince Humperdinck shows he's still on the trail. "Makes sense that he'd carry a poison he's immune to, though, I suppose. Perhaps Vizzini should have been suspicious about that."

On the screen, the man in black and the princess in red run across the countryside. Eventually, he tosses her down against a rock, with a brusque "Catch your breath."

The princess assures him that if he would only release her, he would get any ransom he asked. But he laughs scornfully at her, "What is that worth, the promise of a woman?"

"What's with the sudden attitude from the monochrome misogynist?" Rae mutters, eyebrow rising.

"You think your dearest love will save you?"
"I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know."
The man in black stalks closer. "You admit to me you do not love your fiance."
"He knows I do not love him," she answers, plainly.
"Are not capable of love is what you mean," he replies, the scorn returning.

[herr_bookman]

Autor chuckles. "Well, he can't be perfect, can he? Every hero has to have flaws."

Buttercup stands to face the man in black. "I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!"

He raises a hand to strike her, but doesn't. "That was a warning, highness. The next time my hand flies on its own, from where I come from there are penalties when a woman lies."

He takes her hand again and drags her off.

"This seems personal," Autor says, furrowing his brow.

Humperdinck smells the vial and declares it to be iocaine powder. He mounts his horse and tracks the princess' footprints.

"Rest, highness," the man in black says, setting her down.

"I know who you are, your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!" Buttercup says, to the masked man's mocking bow.

"With pride. What can I do for you?"

"You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces."

"Whoa! She got vicious," Autor says, grinning.

[sunbaked_baker]

"I can't really blame her," Rae remarks. The masked man had won some points for cleverness, but the patronizing remarks, insults, and threats of violence have lost him more than he had to lose.

The masked man tuts at the princess. "Why loose your venom on me?"

"'Cause you're being a jerk," Rae interrupts, speaking into her tea. "And because poison doesn't apparently work."

"You killed my love," says the princess.
"It's possible," replies the Dread Pirate, idly. "I kill a lot of people."
"Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?"
Buttercup answers softly. "No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners."
The Dread Pirate Roberts spreads his arms, expansively, then folds his arms behind his head to act as a pillow. "I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time."
"You mock my pain!" exclaims the princess, outraged.
"Life is pain, Highness," the Dread Pirate answers, suddenly serious. "Anyone who says differently is selling something."

Rae leans against Autor's shoulder. "I don't think I like him any more."

[herr_bookman]

Autor leans back. "He is rather bitter, isn't he?"

The masked man stands up. "I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago?" he says. "Does it bother you to hear?"

"Nothing you say will upset me," Buttercup says, her eyes glazed with tears.

"He died well, that should please you," the Dread Pirate says, folding his arms. "No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, 'Please. Please, I need to live.' T'was the please that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. 'True love,' he replied. Then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness--I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are."

Buttercup stands. "And what am I?"

"Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness," Dread Pirate Roberts says. "Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince in the same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?"

"You mocked me once, never do it again! I died that day!" Buttercup says, and the masked man turns his head to see Humperdinck's approaching horse.

Buttercup snarls. "You can die, too, for all I care!" she says, and shoves Dread Pirate Roberts down the cliff.

"As... you... wish!" the masked man calls as he tumbles down the cliff side.

"Ohhh," Autor says, with a quick smile. "That was clever."