OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

[sunbaked_baker]

The shortening days of November mean that 'evening' starts early in Milliways.

"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."

Comments

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae grins unrepentantly and leans on Autor, chuckling. She is mildly amazed (echoing Westley and Humperdinck's amazement) that Buttercup actually spoke up and did something.

"Oh, I'm sure the name is misleading," she grins. "But he didn't even bother lowering his voice to say that, did he?"

Buttercup faces Westley, speaking her heart. "I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you."

With that, the Prince lifts her up onto his horse as he rides by -

"What the hell, does she have a handle attached to her back or something?" Rae exclaims.

- leaving Westley with the count.

"Come, sir," says the count, speaking very evenly. "We must get you to your ship."

"This character is a bad actor. Not the actor, the actor's doing fine, but the character is a bad actor," Rae chuckles.

Westley, too, sees right through the barely-attempted deception. He steps forward, and smiles. "We are men of action," he says. "Lies do not become us."

The count smiles back. "Well spoken, sir." He gives the nod to his men, then notices Westley's look. "What is it?"

Westley is smirking. "You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you."

"Ooooooooooooh," Rae says, grinning broadly and jostling Autor's shoulder at the significance of this. On the screen, the count knocks Westley out cold. Maybe this is starting to really get good.

[herr_bookman]

Autor allows himself to be jostled and leaned on, and even nudges her back. "Oooh, indeed," he says, flashing a quick grin at his friend. His blush has mostly faded, but still lingers on his cheeks. "I told you the reveal would be within the next ten minutes."

The scene opens up on an albino monk carrying a tray with a goblet and plate full of food down some damp stairs. He comes upon the sleeping Westley, who is bolted to a table, and begins cleaning his wounds inflicted by the Rodents of Unusual Size.

"Where am I?" Westley says.

"The Pit of Despair," the albino rasps. "Don't even think--" he adds in the same raspy voice, and then clears his throat, speaking normally afterwards. "Don't even think of trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't even dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. Only the Count, the Prince, and I know how to get in and out."

"So I'm here 'till I die?" Westley says flatly.

"'Till they kill you, yeah," the albino says, continuing to clean Westley's wounds.

"So why bother curing me?"

"The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken."

"So it's to be torture," Westley says smugly. "I can cope with torture."

The albino shakes his head, his eyes widening, and Autor laughs.

"You survived the fire swamp," the albino says, "you must be very brave, but nobody withstands the machine."

"Oh, I like him," Autor says, chuckling.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Me, too," Rae agrees, still snickering over the dramatic voice change and the albino monk's expressions.

Meanwhile, Buttercup wanders aimlessly through the castle, not even noticing the Prince and the Count.
"She's been like that ever since the fire swamp," remarks the Prince. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her."
"Of course." the Count agrees.

"...They're both in on this, both know about Westley, why do they keep up such a lazy deception among themselves?" Rae asks, dry.

"The King died that very night," the grandfather says in voice-over. "And before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."
Humperdinck stands before the crowd gathered at the castle, and proclaims, "My father's final words were-"
But the Grandson interrupts. "Hold it, hold it, Grandpa."

The scene shifts back to the boy's bedroom.
"Y-you read that wrong," the grandson insists. "She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

"What," Rae says, with a raised eyebrow.

The Grandfather spreads a hand in a questioning gesture. "Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair."

"You teach 'em, Grandpa. The kid doesn't need to grow up thinking that life... works like that."

"I'm telling you," insists the boy, "you're messing up the story, now get it right!"
His grandfather plays the trump card, threatening to stop the story, "Do you want me to go on with this?"
"...Yes," the grandson replies, lowering his head.
"All right, then. No more interruptions," replies the grandfather, and resumes telling the story. "At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."

[herr_bookman]

Autor shakes his head. "I keep forgetting about the grandson in this story."

Humperdinck introduces Queen Buttercup, who greets her subjects. One in particular, an old woman in rags, boos her.

"Why do you do this?" Buttercup asks, stricken.

"Because you had love in your hands!" the old woman says. "And you gave it up!"

"But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it."

"Your true love lives! And you marry another!" the old woman says, gesturing to Humperdinck on the balcony. "True love saved her in the fire swamp..."

"Thrice," Autor says dryly.

"... and she threw it away like garbage," the old woman continues. "And that's what she is! The queen of refuse! So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the queen of slime. The queen of filth! The queen of putrescence!"

"Putrescence! Nice!" Autor says cheerfully.

"Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!"

Buttercup's horrified face gives way to her waking up in bed, sweaty and gasping. She runs down the hall to the grandfather narrating that it was ten days until the wedding, and the king is still alive, but that her nightmares keep getting worse.

"See?" the grandson says triumphantly. "Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?"

"Yes, you're very smart," the grandfather says dryly. "Now shut up."

"No kidding," Autor agrees.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Poor Buttercup," Rae remarks. "Her fiance is awful, her love - unbeknownst to her - is imprisoned and about to be tortured, she's got a seriously stupid-sounding name, and she's got not just her own conscience berating her while she sleeps, she's got an eleven year old know-it-all playing critic in another layer of reality."

"....And us," she adds, a moment later. "Fair's fair."

"It comes to this," declares Buttercup, confronting Humperdinck. "I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning."
Humperdinck seems to take this very seriously. "I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off."

He rises, and asks Count Rugen, "You, uh, returned this Westley to his ship?"
"Yes," replies the count.
"Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you?" Humperdinck asks, doubtfully. "After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known to be men of their words."
"My Westley will always come for me."

"Westley said so, after declaring his love is true, so it might as well be a law of nature," Rae remarks, wryly. That's how stories work.

"Ah..." replies the prince, still doubtful,then brightens somewhat as an idea appears to strike him. "I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"
Buttercup nods.

Rae snags the popcorn bowl and takes a handful before offering the bowl to Autor. "You've got to wonder what extra sense told Westley that Buttercup was in danger so he could come back from sailing the high seas just in time and just in the right place to save her from Vizzini. Buttercup apparently got none of that sense."

[herr_bookman]

"No kidding," Autor says, shaking his head. He takes some popcorn from the bowl and thanks Rae. "She's quick to threaten to kill herself when Westley is apparently safe on his ship."

The scene opens up on Humperdinck and the Count in a forest, where the Count remarks on how Buttercup is a, "winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable."

"I know, the people are quite taken with her," Humperdinck says with a smile. "It's odd. But when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered at our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war."

The Count laughs, and then turns to a tree behind him. "Now where is that secret knot?" he says, opening a door in the tree with a press of a button. "Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Westley's got his strength back; I'm starting him on the machine tonight."

"Tyrone," Humperdinck says, taking a step forward, "You know how much I love watching you work. But I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, and a wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."

Tyrone steps towards him. "Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

"That was an odd little scene," Autor says, finishing his tea. "I suppose they had to establish that the prince is the bad guy after all. But the friendship between these two men is quite odd."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Well, it clears up some things - firmly establishing Humperdinck not just as the rival for the love interest but as an outright villain," Rae says, as the scene opens on Westley strapped to a cart, being wheeled over to the machine by the albino as Count Rugen watches. "And it's kind of interesting to see two guys who both know they're evil, recognize each other as evil, and are completely unapologetic and comfortable with it. It's so matter-of-fact."

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Rugen looks up at the machine as Westley is hooked up to it. "Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting."

"...Are all of the people who have been tortured with the machine and surveyed about the experience going to be listed in some sort of ghastly Acknowledgements or Credits when he publishes?" Rae snorts.

On the screen, Rugen moves one of the machine's levers from zero to one. Water starts flowing, powering the machine. Gears and waterwheels turn, as Westley writhes in pain. Rugen moves the dial back to zero, and Westley goes limp.

"As you know," says Rugen, stepping over to sit at the desk, "the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life."

"Every good story needs a vampire, apparently," Rae remarks, dry, as Rugen keeps talking. "And this one really sucks."

"...your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but... I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?"
Westley whimpers, crying softly.
"Interesting," Rugen remarks, moving to begin taking notes.

[herr_bookman]

"Westley's not so confident now, is he?" Autor says, furrowing his brow. "How could a suction pump attached to his body suck his life away? That doesn't make sense."

The scene opens up on Humperdinck surrounded by maps and papers, tossing one aside in frustration. A vassal enters the room and clears his throat. He approaches Humperdinck and sets his hand on his chair, which the vassal quickly removes.

"As chief enforcer of all Florin," Humperdinck starts, "I trust you with this secret: Killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest, and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night."

The vassal frowns. "My spy network has heard no such news."

Buttercup enters the room, and the two men stand. "Any word from Westley?" she asks.

"Too soon, my angel," Humperdinck says, shrugging.

"He will come for me," she says.

"Of course," Humperdinck assures her, and she flounces out. The two men sit down. "She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested."

The vassal scoffs. "Many of the inhabitants will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate."

"Form a brute squad, then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed."

"It won't be easy, sire," the vassal says.

"Try ruling the world sometime," Humperdinck says smugly.

"What a prat," Autor says, shaking his head. "I wonder why he wants the Thieves' Forest emptied?"

[sunbaked_baker]

"Moreover, why'd they name it Thieves' Forest if they didn't want it full of brigands and outlaws?" Rae grins at Autor. "Maybe he wants the forest emptied so it looks like he did everything he could to prevent his new bride's fate at the hands of the 'killers from Guilder.' He's planting seeds before the act."

Soldiers are rounding up peasants and thieves from the collection of buildings in the Thieves' Forest. the grandfather's voice-over explains: "The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders."
Yellin turns to one of the soldiers. "Is everybody out?"
"Almost," the man answers. "There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble."
Well you give him some trouble. Move!"

"Wanna bet he's going to give you more trouble than you give him?" Rae says, amused.

But Inigo.... is extremely drunk.
"I am waiting for you, Vizzini" he calls, speech slurred, as he sits alongside the wall of a hut, drinking. "You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved.
"Ho there!" calls one of the soldiers.
"I do not budge. Keep your 'Ho there.'"

"He's a magnet for trouble, isn't he?" Rae grins.

"But the prince gave orders."
Inigo draws his sword, lunging forward and striking erratically at the man. But when he speaks, it is with an almost peaceful clarity. "So did Vizzini. When the job went wrong you went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so this is the beginning. And I am staying till Vizzini comes." He settles into a chair.
The soldier calls for back-up, "You, brute, come here!"
Fezzik enters (causing a grin to break out on Rae's face).
"I am waiting for Vizzini," mutters Inigo, muzzily.
Fezzik picks up Inigo, taking the opportunity for a rhyme, "You surely are a meanie."

Inigo dazedly compares his hand to Fezzik's and looks up at him.
"Hello," says Fezzik, friendly
A smile breaks out on Inigo's face. "It's you."
"True," Fezzik says, and idly knocks out the approaching soldier. "You don't look so good."
Inigo dismisses Fezzik's opinion, good-naturedly
Fezzik adds, "You don't smell so good either."
"Perhaps no. I feel fine," Inigo assures him with a dazed smile.
"Yeah?" Fezzik releases Inigo, whom he had been holding upright.
Inigo promptly falls over.

Rae snorts. "He might not feel so fine when he wakes up. I'm glad these characters are back. I like their friendship."

[herr_bookman]

Autor beams at the two of them, as Fezzik nurses his inebriated friend back to health with a stew. "I like these two, as well," Autor says. "They're great together."

The grandfather says in voice-over, "... He told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's lifelong search, he took the news surprisingly well."

Inigo faints into his stew, which leads Fezzik to take great care in reviving him, involving dumping his head in hot and cold water buckets.

"That's enough!" Inigo says, waving his hands around. "Where is this Rugen now, so I may kill him?"

"He's with the prince in the castle," Fezzik says. "But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men."

"Ah," Inigo says, kicking a table. "How many can you handle?"

"I don't think more than ten," Fezzik says, shaking his head.

Inigo counts on his fingers. It takes him a while. "Which leaves twenty for me. At my best, I could never defeat that many," he says, sitting down. "I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy."

"But Vizzini's dead."

"No, not Vizzini," Inigo says, looking up. "I need the man in black. Look, he bested you with strength. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini. And a man who can do that, can plan my castle onslaught anyday." Inigo heads for the door. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"To find the man in black, obviously," Inigo says.

"But you don't know where he is," Fezzik says.

Inigo turns back to him. "Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!"

"Good for Inigo," Autor says, inclining his head. "I hope he's able to get Count Rugen."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Do you really have any doubt? The critic-kid has already shown this story follows fairy-tale logic," Rae grins. "But yeah, I want Inigo to get his revenge, too. Rugen is such a... clinical villain. Cold."

In his office, Humperdinck is sharpening a dagger...

Rae gives the screen a doubtful look. "That isn't a whetstone. That's a rock."

Yellin enters the office and kneels.
"Rise and report," Humperdinch says, polishing his dagger.
"The Thieves' Forest is emptied," Yellin replies. "Thirty men guard the castle gate."
"Double it. My princess must be safe."
Yellin replies, pulling out the key pouch. "The gate has but one key, and I carry that."
Humperdinck rises as Buttercup enters, with a feigned look of delight. "Ahhh, my dulcet darling," he says, taking her hands. "Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon."
"Every ship but your four fastest, you mean," Buttercup points out, which causes the prince's smile to fade. "Every ship but the four you sent."
"Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four," the prince replies, unconvincingly.

"If you're going to be a conniving, evil liar, prince, be better at it!" Rae tosses a piece of popcorn at him, which bounces off the screen.

Yellin wisely takes this time to leave, as Buttercup knows the truth. "You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway."
"You're a silly girl," Humperdinck declares as he walks away from her, back to his desk.
"Yes," Buttercup says, walking toward him. "I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear."
Humperdinck sheaths his dagger forcefully. "I would not say such things if I were you."

"That's because you're a coward with a heart full of fear," Sunshine points out.

"Why not?" demands Buttercup. "You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords." She moves around desk towards him, getting up his face. "And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth."
Humperdinck slams the dagger onto the desk, angry. "I would not say such things if I were you!" He growls, grabbing her arm and dragging her to her room, where he locks her in.

"He's... not exactly convincing as a threatening villain, is he? Does he know that Rugen out-villains him, do you think?"

[herr_bookman]

"Such a pity," Autor says, nibbling on more popcorn. "Humperdinck is pathetic more than anything, really. Good for Buttercup for growing a spine, though."

Humperdinck runs to Westley. "You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy."

Westley just stares at him, so Humperdinck continues. "Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."

He turns the machine up to fifty, and Count Rugen objects. "Not to fifty!"

Westley's screams can be heard across the country, and Inigo hears it. "Fezzik, listen! That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father; the man in black makes it now."

"The man in black?" Fezzik says.

"His true love marries another tonight," Inigo says, trying to push through the crowd of people in the market square. "Pardon me, excuse me... Fezzik, please?"

"Everybody move!" Fezzik shouts, and the people split down the middle.

"Thank you," Inigo says, walking through the newly opened path.

The scene opens up onto the albino monk pushing a cart. Inigo points his sword at the man's throat. "Where is the man in black?" Inigo says. "You get that from this grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory."

Fezzik bonks the man over his head with a closed fist, and the albino faints. "Sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?"

Inigo kneels in a beam of light, holding his sword aloft in both his hands. "I have failed you for twenty years. Somewhere here is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please. Guide my sword."

Inigo stumbles around blindly, his sword leading him, until he pokes the tree with it. He leans against it, hitting the knot, and the door opens.

"They're too late," Autor says, furrowing his brow. "Westley's already gone. What will they do now?"

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae watches Fezzik and Inigo, looking downcast. "What do you want to bet we're due another-"

"Grandpa, Grandpa, wait!"

"...Yup." Rae looks a little smug as the scene changes back to the boy's bedroom.

"Wait," says the grandson. "What did Fezzik mean 'He's dead'? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Westley's only faking. Right?"
The Grandfather doesn't answer, instead asking,"You want me to read this or not?"

"Seriously, kid," Rae interjects. "Let him get on with the story instead of interrupting and critiquing all the ti... um..." Rae falls silent, having the decency to look mildly apologetic.

"Who kills Prince Humperdinck?" the grandson insists. "At the end. Somebody's got to do it. Is it Inigo, who?"
"Nobody," answers the grandfather, frankly. "Nobody kills him. He lives."
The grandson can't accept this, and his sense of storybook morality is outraged. "You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?"
The boy's grandfather displays infinite wisdom and uses the threat of not finishing the story to get the boy to behave. "You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now." He closes the book and stands up, getting ready to go.
The ploy works."No, I'm okay," insists the boy. "I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right."

"Someone needs to give that grandfather an award," Rae can't help but remark, grinning.

"Okay. All right," the grandfather relents. "Now let's see, where were we? Ohhh, yeah. In the Pit of Despair.

The scene opens in the Pit of Despair.

"Well," declares Inigo, "the Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body." He begins to leave.
"The body?"
Inigo turns to ask, "Have you any money?"
"I have a little."
Inigo glances at the still body of Westley once more before turning to continue out of the Pit of Despair. "I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all."

Rae's head tilts as she thinks of something. "Where did Rugen and Humperdinck go? How did Inigo and Fezzik not run into them leaving as they found the secret tree. They must have booked it out of there once Westley was dead."

[herr_bookman]

"They probably left the albino to clean up," Autor says, shaking his head.

The scene opens up onto a hut. Inigo knocks on the door, to someone's "Go away!" Inigo's knocking becomes more insistent, which prompts an older man to open a hole the door. "What? What?"

"Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?" Inigo says.

"The king's stinking son fired me," Miracle Max says. "And thank you so much for the reminder. While you're at it, why don't you give me a papercut and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed!" He shuts the hole in the door, and Inigo pounds on it until he opens up again. "Beat it or I'll call the brute squad!"

"I'm on the brute squad," Fezzik says.

"You are the brute squad," Miracle Max says.

"We need a miracle. It's very important," Inigo says.

"I'm retired! Besides, why would you want who the king's stinking son fired?" Miracle Max says. "I might kill whoever you want the miracle for."

"He's already dead," Inigo says.

"He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in," Miracle Max says.

Inigo lays Westley out on a table inside, and Max prods him. "I've seen worse."

"Sir? Sir?" Inigo says. "We're in a terrible rush."

"Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles," Miracle Max says. "You got money?"

"Sixty-five," Inigo says.

"Sheesh! I've never worked for so little," Miracle Max says, "and that was for a very noble cause."

"This is noble, sir," Inigo says. "His wife is a... cripple. His children are on the brink of starvation."

"Phew! Are you a rotten liar!" Miracle Max says.

Inigo leans forward, placing his hands on the table. "I need him to help avenge my father. Murdered these twenty years."

"Your first story was better," Miracle Max says. "Where's that bellows? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him."

"He's dead, he can't talk," Inigo says.

"Ooh, poo-poo, look at you," Miracle Max says. "Turns out your friend is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and dead dead. Please open his mouth."

Inigo leans forward to open his mouth, and Miracle Max pumps air into Westley with a bellows. "Now," Miracle Max says, "mostly dead is slightly alive. All dead, there's usually only one thing you can do."

"What's that?" Inigo says, a doubtful look on his face.

"Go through his clothes and look for loose change," Max says, smiling. He sets the bellows aside and turns to Westley. "Hey! Hello in there! Whatcha got that's so important here?"

Max presses on Westley's chest, who says something like, "Truuuuue looooove."

"See? True love," Inigo says. "You cannot ask for a more noble cause than that."

"Sorry. True love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe," Max says, smacking his lips. "But that's not what he said! He obviously said, 'to blave', which as we all know means to bluff! So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated--"

"Liar! Liar! Liar!" an old woman says, coming around the corner to point at Miracle Max.

"What's with the old women being confrontational in this movie?" Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Old women are very good at being confrontational," Rae grins at him. "Never get on their bad side."

"Get back, witch!" Max yells.
The woman protests. "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!"

"You tell 'im!" Rae agrees, "though I find this movie's tendency to drop in interesting but hardly explained characters out of nowhere kind of odd."

"True Love, he said "True Love", Max," the woman goes on, exasperated. "My God."
"Don't say another word, Valerie."
"He's afraid," Valerie confides to Inigo. "Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered."
"Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!"
"What... Humperdinck?" she teases.
"Aaaigh!"
Valerie follows the retreating Max around the room, shouting the prince's name repeatedly. "True love lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!"
"Nobody's hearing nothing!" he protests, which leads to Valerie going back to shouting the prince's name at him.

"This is really weird," Rae mutters, watching the screen at a loss.

Inigo tries to stop the argument. "This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding."
It works. "Shah! Wait, wait," says Max, approaching. "I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?"
"Humiliations galore," Inigo assures him.
"Ha ha ha! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job," Max finally agrees, grinning.

Some time later, the miracle pill is nearly complete. Valerie is coating the pill with chocolate, while Inigo expresses his doubts.

"I've had some good chocolate," Rae remarks, smirking, "and named some chocolate after death, but I don't know if chocolate can actually bring someone back from the dead... That would have to be some divine chocolate, indeed."

Max gives them the pouch with the pill in it.
"Thank you for everything," Inigo says, as they hurry out the door.
Max and Valerie see them off, waving cheerily. "Bye-bye, boys!"
"Have fun storming the castle!"
Valerie lowers her voice. "Think it'll work?"
"It would take a miracle," he mutters back. Then, a moment later, they are both all smiles again, waving with renewed cheer.
"Bye-bye!!"

"Good thing they have a miracle, then, huh?" Rae says, cheerfully. It is a story, and has shown itself to work by storybook logic; she isn't worried for the heroes.

[herr_bookman]

"No kidding," Autor says, chuckling. "We still have about twenty minutes left. There's no way Westley will stay dead, and they can beat Humperdinck in that time."

Inigo and Fezzik drag Westley's body up to the castle walls, overlooking the sixty men guarding the gate.

"Inigo!" Fezzik says, peering at the men. "There's more than thirty men!"

"What does it matter?" Inigo says, holding up Westley's head. He lets it drop. "We have him. Help me, here. We'll have to force feed him."

"Has it been fifteen minutes?" Fezzik says.

"We can't wait," Inigo says, rummaging through his pouch. "The wedding's in half an hour. We have to strike at the castle before then. Tilt his head back."

Fezzik does so, and Inigo puts one of the chocolate-coated magic pills in Westley's mouth.

"How long do we have to wait until we know the miracle works?" Fezzik says, and Inigo responds with, "Your guess is as good as mine."

Westley's eyes snap open, and he shouts, "I beat you both apart. I'll take you both together!"

Fezzik covers his mouth with a massive hand. "That didn't take very long."

"Why won't my arms move?" Westley says.

"You've been mostly dead all day," Fezzik says.

"We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back," Inigo says, patting him on the shoulder.

"Who are you? Are we enemies? Where's Buttercup?" Westley says.

"Let me explain," Inigo says. "No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is getting married in little less than half an hour. All we need to do is break in there, break up the wedding, rescue the princess, and make our escape. After I kill Count Rugen."

"That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying," Westley says, his thumb working back and forth.

Fezzik points to it. "You just wiggled your finger," he says. "That's wonderful!"

"I've always been a quick healer," Westley says, giving him a look. "What are our liabilities?"

"There is but one working castle gate," Inigo tells him, lifting him up so he can see it. "And it's guarded by sixty men."

"And our assets?" Westley says.

"Your brains. Fezzik's strength. My steel."

"Impossible," Westley says, shaking his head. "If I had a month to plan, maybe, but this..."

"You just shook your head!" Fezzik says. "That doesn't make you happy?"

Westley turns his head toward Fezzik. "My brains, his steel, and your strength, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?"

"There he goes being patronizing again," Autor says, scoffing.

Fezzik just smiles.

"If we only had a wheelbarrow, now that would be something," Westley says.

"Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?" Inigo asks Fezzik.

"With the albino, I think," Fezzik tells him.

"Then why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?" Westley says, sighing. "What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak."

Fezzik pulls one out of his shirt, and Autor laughs. "Will this do?"

"Where did you get that?" Inigo says.

"At Miracle Max's," Fezzik says. "It fit so nice, he said I could keep it."

"All right, all right," Westley says. "Come on, help me up." They prop him between them, standing, and his head falls forward. Fezzik lifts his head up. "Now, I'll need a sword."

"Why? You can hardly lift one," Inigo says.

"True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?" Westley says, and his head falls backwards. Fezzik lifts it up again. "Thank you. Now there may be problems once we're inside."

"I'll say," Inigo says. "How do I find the Count? Once I find him, how do I find you again? Once I find you, how do we escape?"

"Don't pester him! He's had a hard day," Fezzik says, cradling Westley's head in a hand.

"Right," Inigo says. "Sorry."

Fezzik makes Westley nod, and then the three of them start making progress along the wall. "Inigo!" Fezzik says. "I hope we win."

"I'm glad they're giving Fezzik more to do in these scenes," Autor says, finishing his tea. "He sort of disappeared at Miracle Max's."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Yeah, he didn't have a single line in that whole scene, did he?" Rae asks, pouring Autor and herself a warm-up on tea, while on the screen the Prince gets Buttercup ready for the wedding, despite her protests that Westley will come for her. "It's just kind of weird and kind of cheap to have a plot-device be delivered off-screen like that. Why couldn't we have seen Miracle Max offering the cloak to Fezzik, if the cloak is a plot-important item?"

While Fezzik, Inigo, and Westley prepare themselves on the battlements, in the castle chapel, the wedding begins. Organ music plays in the background, ending as the impressive clergyman gestures to the prince and Buttercup.

"Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togevah today."

"...What." Rae, distracted, almost spills her tea. She hurriedly wipes at the bedspread, trying not to shake with giggling. "What is with this guy's voice?"

"Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam," continues the clergyman.
From outside, Yellin can be heard yelling, "Stand your ground, men, stand your ground!" It causes something of a commotion among the people in the chapel, and Humperdinck looks uncertain.

Outside, Yellin calls again, "Stand your ground!"

"What the lurid, multicolored hells are they doing?"

A gigantic figure wrapped in a black cloak can be seen looming over the tall stone wall.
"I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" bellows Fezzik's voice. "There will be no survivors!"
Westley is leaning on Inigo while he pushes the wheelbarrow Fezzik is standing on while wearing the holocaust cloak.
"Now?" Inigo whispers, tense with exertion.
"Not yet," replies Westley.
"My men are here, I am here," booms Fezzik, pointing a doomladen finger at the crowd of terrified guards. "But soon, you will not be here."
"Now?" Inigo whispers again, nearly at the limits of his endurance.
"Light him," Westley confirms.
Inigo lights the cloak on fire with a candle, which is soon engulfed in flames.
"The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors!" Fezzik bellows, as the soldiers back up from the flaming Fezzik, and begin to scatter. "All your worst nightmares are about to come true!"

"That's... actually a really clever plan," Rae remarks. "But why would anyone even have a cloak that goes up like that, in the first place? What use would it be, apart from this very specific situation?"

[herr_bookman]

"I have no idea," Autor says, furrowing his brow. "It was a neat effect, though."

"Then wuv, true wuv," the clergyman says, as Humperdinck motions to Count Rugen to check out the disturbance, "will fowwow you fowever..."

The men outside begin to scatter as Fezzik lifts his arms. "The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul!"

All that's left is Yellin.

"So tweasure your wuv..." the clergyman says.

"Skip to the end," Humperdinck says, setting his jaw.

"Have you the wing?" the clergyman says, and Humperdinck takes Buttercup's hand to put the ring on her finger.

"Here comes my Westley now," Buttercup says.

Fezzik discards the cloak and lifts the closing portcullis, leaving a wide-eyed Yellin to confront him.

"Your Westley is dead," Humperdinck tells Buttercup. "I killed him myself."

"Then why is there fear behind your eyes?" Buttercup says boldly.

Westley stares at Yellin. "Give us the gate key."

"I have no gate key," Yellin says.

"Fezzik?" Inigo says. "Tear his arms off."

"Oh, you mean this gate key," Yellin says, and Autor laughs.

"Well, that was easier than expected," Autor says. "Sixty men scattered to the winds."

"And do you, Pwincess Bwuttercwup..." the clergyman says.

"Man and wife! Say man and wife!" Humperdinck demands.

"Man and wife," the clergyman says.

"Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite, I'll be there shortly," Humperdinck says, passing a stunned Buttercup off to his elderly father.

"He didn't come," Buttercup says woodenly.

"Poor Buttercup," Autor says, sipping his tea. "Marrying a man she despises."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Well, I don't know how weddings are done in that world, but I didn't hear her say 'I do.' Did you?" Rae says, eyebrows raised at the dubious marriage ceremony. "She didn't agree to anything. And why does a castle have a honeymoon suite, like a hotel?"

Rugen and guards rush down the castle corridors, swords drawn, to come face to face with Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik.
"Kill the dark one and the giant," orders Rugen, "but leave the third for questioning."
Inigo quickly and efficiently dispatches the charging guards, leaving Count Rugen alone. "Hello," he says with unnerving calm. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Rae says, excited, bumping Autor's shoulder with her own (and possibly endangering his tea). "Is it time? I've been looking forward to this part!"

Rugen pauses, then suddenly turns and runs ("Fucking coward!" howls Rae, disappointed). Inigo immediately gives chase. Westley and Fezzik look at each other. Rugen ducks into a room, locking the door behind him. Inigo is left to ram his body ineffectually against the bolted door.
"Fezzik!!!!!! I need you!!!!!" he calls, frantic with the thought of his father's murderer getting away.
Fezzik gestures to Westley, who he is supporting. "I can't leave him alone."
"He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!!" Inigo cries in increasing desperation. "Arr!!! Fezzik!!! Aaargh!!"
Fezzik very gently places Westley against a suit of armor, assuring him, "I'll be right back."
Inigo continues to ram the door, with sounds of exertions, until Fezzik comes and handily breaks the door down. "Thank you," Inigo doesn't hesitate to run right through, continuing the chase.

"Get 'im, Inigo!" Rae cheers him on.

In a different corridor, the elderly king and queen escort the seemingly numb Buttercup to the honeymoon suite.

"Strange wedding," muses the old king.
"Yes. A very strange wedding," agrees the queen. "Come along." She walks ahead.
Buttercup pauses as the king pats her hand. Very gently, she leans forward and kisses the King's cheek.
"What was that for?" the king asks, both confused and delighted.
"Because you've always been so kind to me," Buttercup answers with little tone in her voice, "and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite."
"Won't that be nice?" the mostly-deaf king agrees, then calls to Queen in delight, "She kissed me!"

"Oh dear," Rae winces in sympathy. "Poor Buttercup is left with no idea what's going on, thinking Westley is dead and all is lost. I just hope this movie doesn't do a sort of Romeo and Juliet tragedy of errors."

[herr_bookman]

"That would be awful," Autor says, shaking his head. "I don't think I could forgive it if it goes that route."

Rugen runs down the hall with Inigo hot on his heels, prompting Autor to say, "I swear, this castle is all corridors."

Fezzik returns to find Westley missing. Rugen runs through a couple of rooms and down a flight of stairs, pausing only to draw a dagger from his boot--which he hurls into Inigo's belly.

"I'm sorry, Father," Inigo says, leaning against the wall. "I tried. I tried."

"You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago," Rugen says, stalking forward. "Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous."

"What a villain," Autor says.

Buttercup enters her rooms, and finds a dagger to hold against her chest. Westley interrupts her, laying on the bed.

"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world," he says, and Autor blushes. "T'would be a pity to damage yours."

"Westley! Westley darling!" Buttercup says, throwing herself on the prone Dread Pirate Roberts to kiss him senseless. "Westley, why won't you hold me?"

"Gently," he says.

"At a time like this, that's all you can think to say?" Buttercup says, lifting his head to smother him in kisses. "Gently?"

"Gently!" Westley says, and she drops his head against the headboard. He grunts.

Meanwhile, Inigo pulls the dagger out and gets to his feet.

"Good heavens," Rugen says. "Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday." He draws his sword and thrusts forward, aiming for the heart. Inigo deflects it, burying the point in his arm, and again to the other arm.

"Hello," Inigo says, blocking his sword twice more. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

He falls against a table, and pushes himself up to block Count Rugen's sword again. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

He thrusts with his sword to meet Rugen's. "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

"Stop saying that," Rugen demands.

Inigo stabs him in each of his shoulders, backing him up against a table. "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

He disarms Rugen and cuts his cheek. "Offer me money."

"Yes," Rugen says.

"Power, too, promise me that," Inigo says, cutting the other cheek.

"All that I have and more, please."

Inigo removes his hand from his bleeding abdomen. "Offer me everything I ask for."

"Anything you want," Rugen says, lifting his sword. Inigo catches his hand and stabs him through.

"I want my father back, you son of a bitch."

"Good for you, Inigo!" Autor says cheerfully. "He did it! He actually did it! In the book his wounds reopen as they escape, but he got Count Rugen!"

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae cheers Inigo as well, clinking her tea cup against Autor's. "I'm so glad he got his revenge. I mean, I didn't doubt for a second that he would..." She would appreciate Autor just overlooking her trepidation and sounds of distress when Inigo was wounded repeatedly during the fight.

In the honeymoon suite, Buttercup clings to Westley. "Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?"
"What hideous sin have you committed lately?"

"Well, nope, Westley's still kind of an ass. Inigo is confirmed for Best Character," Rae remarks, as Buttercup explains about the wedding.

Westley shakes his head a little. "Never happened."
"But it did. I was there," protests Buttercup. "This old man said 'man and wife.'"
"Did you say 'I do'?"
Buttercup hesitates. "Um, no. We sort of skipped that part."
"Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it."

"I wondered if that was a plot point," Rae says, happily justified in her previous shenanigans-calling.

Humperdinck appears in the doorway behind them.
"A technicality that will shortly be remedied," he assures the lovers. "But first things first." The prince draws his sword. "To the death."
"No!" Westley protests from his position on the bed. "To the pain."
Humperdinck hesitates. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."
"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon," Westley says, coldly.
Humperdinck closes his eyes as though in pain. "That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me."

"Oh you poor baby," Rae says, unable to keep from laughing. "Poor thing. Suffering so!"

"It won't be the last," Westley assures him. "To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."
"And then my tongue, I suppose," Humperdinck sounds almost bored. "I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight." He moves forward.
"I wasn't finished," Westley interrupts. "The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right."
"And then my ears, I understand," Humperdinck says, impatiently, "let's get on with it."
"Wrong!" Westley contradicts. "Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why."

"He's sooooooo stalling for time," Rae grins, entertained. "Very clever of him, but when you know the situation, it's really obvious what he's doing."

"...every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
"I think you're bluffing," Humperdinck replies, but he doesn't look so sure.
"It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing," Westley replies, calmly. "It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all." Trying to disguise the effort it takes, Wesltey stands and extends his sword in front of him, pointing it at Humperdinck. "Drop... your... sword." Humperdinck promptly drops it.

"Well, that worked surprisingly well, I think," Rae chuckles. "Though... wait..." On the screen, Buttercup is tying the prince to a chair. "When the grandfather told the kid that Humperdinck lives at the end... he really meant it, didn't he? It wasn't just a ruse to get the kid to shut up and listen to the story! Ha!"

[herr_bookman]

"Oh, no, that's terrible," Autor says, furrowing his brow. "Westley should have killed him. The prince has enough resources to haunt Westley and Buttercup for the rest of their lives."

Autor tilts his head. "What happened to the wound on Westley's shoulder? It's clean now."

Inigo arrives, to Autor's cheering. "Where's Fezzik?"

"I thought he was with you," Westley says, and nearly falls.

"Help him," Inigo says to Buttercup.

"Why does Westley need helping?" Buttercup says, and Autor scoffs.

"Don't ask why he needs help, just get over there and help him," Autor says.

"Because he has no strength," Inigo says.

"I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was..." Humperdinck says, until Inigo points his sword at his face. "... bluffing."

"Shall I dispatch him for you?" Inigo says.

"Yes," Autor says.

"Thank you, but no," Westley says. "Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life with his cowardice."

"Inigo!" Fezzik calls from outside. "Inigo, where are you?"

The three walk to a double window which conveniently opens. Fezzik is down at the bottom with four white horses. "Ah, there you are," Fezzik says. "Inigo, I found the prince's stable. And there they were! Four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us. If we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!"

He waves, and Buttercup smiles and waves back.

"So I took them with me," Fezzik continues. "In case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did."

"Fezzik, you did something right," Inigo says.

"Don't worry," Fezzik says. "I won't let it go to my head."

Buttercup leaps out the window, falling in slow motion to a harp glide and her dress fluttering in the wind. She lands in Fezzik's arms, and Westley gestures for Inigo to go next.

"You know, it's strange," Inigo says. "I have been in the revenge business for so long, now I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

"Have you ever considered piracy?" Westley says. "You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts." Then he falls out of the window.

"They rode to freedom," the grandfather narrates. "And Westley and Buttercup felt a wave of love. And as they reached for each other..." He leans back, shutting the book.

"What? What?" the grandson says.

"Nah, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that."

"I don't mind so much," the grandson says, and the grandfather continues reading.

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind," the grandfather says. "The End."

"Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again for me tomorrow?" the grandson says.

"As you wish," the grandfather says, and the credits roll.

"Oh, now that was a good movie," Autor says, beaming. "I'll have to read the book again to see what the differences are between them."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Definitely a good movie," Rae grins, as the credits roll in the background. "Though Inigo overshadowed Westley as the best character, easily. I may have the reread the book as well - it was only really when the movie started that I realized just how much of it I had forgotten."

She finishes her tea, considering something. "I think you're right, though, about Humperdinck. He's still prince. He's still got extensive resources at his disposal. At the very least, Westley, Fezzik, Inigo, and Buttercup will never be safe anywhere near Florin again. And the prince has his armada. Who know what will happen? It would have been safer for everyone involved if Westley had just killed him."

[herr_bookman]

"And he was planning to strangle Buttercup to start a war with Guilder," Autor points out, scoffing. "There's no doubt in my mind that he'll try to start a war with them in some other way. At least Count Rugen's dead. He was the true villain of the piece. Inigo had to search deep inside himself when he thought he'd lost in order to overcome the Count, and that's the measure of a true climax."

[sunbaked_baker]

"The conflict between Inigo and Count Rugen was a lot more satisfying," Rae agrees, nodding.

"The prince's plan involving Buttercup just seems so... convoluted. Like he was really setting himself up to lose. If he really wanted, he could have found a much easier way to construct a pretext for war. If he wanted to be king as well, he'd just have to pay someone in the crowd to shoot his father dead, then after the guards arrest the person, he could declare that they've discovered it was a Guilder spy. And boom, ready-made war."