OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

[sunbaked_baker]

The shortening days of November mean that 'evening' starts early in Milliways.

"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."

Comments

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae cheers Inigo as well, clinking her tea cup against Autor's. "I'm so glad he got his revenge. I mean, I didn't doubt for a second that he would..." She would appreciate Autor just overlooking her trepidation and sounds of distress when Inigo was wounded repeatedly during the fight.

In the honeymoon suite, Buttercup clings to Westley. "Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?"
"What hideous sin have you committed lately?"

"Well, nope, Westley's still kind of an ass. Inigo is confirmed for Best Character," Rae remarks, as Buttercup explains about the wedding.

Westley shakes his head a little. "Never happened."
"But it did. I was there," protests Buttercup. "This old man said 'man and wife.'"
"Did you say 'I do'?"
Buttercup hesitates. "Um, no. We sort of skipped that part."
"Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it."

"I wondered if that was a plot point," Rae says, happily justified in her previous shenanigans-calling.

Humperdinck appears in the doorway behind them.
"A technicality that will shortly be remedied," he assures the lovers. "But first things first." The prince draws his sword. "To the death."
"No!" Westley protests from his position on the bed. "To the pain."
Humperdinck hesitates. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."
"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon," Westley says, coldly.
Humperdinck closes his eyes as though in pain. "That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me."

"Oh you poor baby," Rae says, unable to keep from laughing. "Poor thing. Suffering so!"

"It won't be the last," Westley assures him. "To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."
"And then my tongue, I suppose," Humperdinck sounds almost bored. "I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight." He moves forward.
"I wasn't finished," Westley interrupts. "The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right."
"And then my ears, I understand," Humperdinck says, impatiently, "let's get on with it."
"Wrong!" Westley contradicts. "Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why."

"He's sooooooo stalling for time," Rae grins, entertained. "Very clever of him, but when you know the situation, it's really obvious what he's doing."

"...every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
"I think you're bluffing," Humperdinck replies, but he doesn't look so sure.
"It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing," Westley replies, calmly. "It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all." Trying to disguise the effort it takes, Wesltey stands and extends his sword in front of him, pointing it at Humperdinck. "Drop... your... sword." Humperdinck promptly drops it.

"Well, that worked surprisingly well, I think," Rae chuckles. "Though... wait..." On the screen, Buttercup is tying the prince to a chair. "When the grandfather told the kid that Humperdinck lives at the end... he really meant it, didn't he? It wasn't just a ruse to get the kid to shut up and listen to the story! Ha!"

[herr_bookman]

"Oh, no, that's terrible," Autor says, furrowing his brow. "Westley should have killed him. The prince has enough resources to haunt Westley and Buttercup for the rest of their lives."

Autor tilts his head. "What happened to the wound on Westley's shoulder? It's clean now."

Inigo arrives, to Autor's cheering. "Where's Fezzik?"

"I thought he was with you," Westley says, and nearly falls.

"Help him," Inigo says to Buttercup.

"Why does Westley need helping?" Buttercup says, and Autor scoffs.

"Don't ask why he needs help, just get over there and help him," Autor says.

"Because he has no strength," Inigo says.

"I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was..." Humperdinck says, until Inigo points his sword at his face. "... bluffing."

"Shall I dispatch him for you?" Inigo says.

"Yes," Autor says.

"Thank you, but no," Westley says. "Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life with his cowardice."

"Inigo!" Fezzik calls from outside. "Inigo, where are you?"

The three walk to a double window which conveniently opens. Fezzik is down at the bottom with four white horses. "Ah, there you are," Fezzik says. "Inigo, I found the prince's stable. And there they were! Four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us. If we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!"

He waves, and Buttercup smiles and waves back.

"So I took them with me," Fezzik continues. "In case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did."

"Fezzik, you did something right," Inigo says.

"Don't worry," Fezzik says. "I won't let it go to my head."

Buttercup leaps out the window, falling in slow motion to a harp glide and her dress fluttering in the wind. She lands in Fezzik's arms, and Westley gestures for Inigo to go next.

"You know, it's strange," Inigo says. "I have been in the revenge business for so long, now I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

"Have you ever considered piracy?" Westley says. "You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts." Then he falls out of the window.

"They rode to freedom," the grandfather narrates. "And Westley and Buttercup felt a wave of love. And as they reached for each other..." He leans back, shutting the book.

"What? What?" the grandson says.

"Nah, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that."

"I don't mind so much," the grandson says, and the grandfather continues reading.

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind," the grandfather says. "The End."

"Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again for me tomorrow?" the grandson says.

"As you wish," the grandfather says, and the credits roll.

"Oh, now that was a good movie," Autor says, beaming. "I'll have to read the book again to see what the differences are between them."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Definitely a good movie," Rae grins, as the credits roll in the background. "Though Inigo overshadowed Westley as the best character, easily. I may have the reread the book as well - it was only really when the movie started that I realized just how much of it I had forgotten."

She finishes her tea, considering something. "I think you're right, though, about Humperdinck. He's still prince. He's still got extensive resources at his disposal. At the very least, Westley, Fezzik, Inigo, and Buttercup will never be safe anywhere near Florin again. And the prince has his armada. Who know what will happen? It would have been safer for everyone involved if Westley had just killed him."

[herr_bookman]

"And he was planning to strangle Buttercup to start a war with Guilder," Autor points out, scoffing. "There's no doubt in my mind that he'll try to start a war with them in some other way. At least Count Rugen's dead. He was the true villain of the piece. Inigo had to search deep inside himself when he thought he'd lost in order to overcome the Count, and that's the measure of a true climax."

[sunbaked_baker]

"The conflict between Inigo and Count Rugen was a lot more satisfying," Rae agrees, nodding.

"The prince's plan involving Buttercup just seems so... convoluted. Like he was really setting himself up to lose. If he really wanted, he could have found a much easier way to construct a pretext for war. If he wanted to be king as well, he'd just have to pay someone in the crowd to shoot his father dead, then after the guards arrest the person, he could declare that they've discovered it was a Guilder spy. And boom, ready-made war."

[herr_bookman]

"Wars do come pretty easily after assassinations," Autor says, shifting on the bed.

[sunbaked_baker]

"It just kind of snowballs from there," she nods. Rae had read some things about wars in different versions of Earth. There was one where... oh skegging damn - that's the war Autor's worried about. The one he's moving to Milliways to avoid. She'd forgotten. Great going, Seddon. Rae seeks to hide her grimace in taking a sip of her tea... only to remember that her teacup is already empty. No help there. What can she...?

"Oh! Hey, Autor," she says, remembering something. She sets her empty cup down and scoots to the edge of the bed to stand up. "I have something for you."

[herr_bookman]

Autor perks up, setting his empty teacup aside. "Oh? What is it, Rae?" he says, tilting his head at her.

[sunbaked_baker]

She goes to her bedside table and removes a couple of small velvet pouches from the drawer. "...Do you remember that week where... everyone wasn't themselves? Not like Cubefall or one of the holidays, I mean. It's hard to explain. Everyone was themselves, only different. It wasn't necessarily a physical change. The same people as usual came in... only they weren't the same people."


"...I'm probably not making sense."

[herr_bookman]

"I don't, but if it's part of Milliways' usual weirdness, that's understandable," Autor says, eyeing the velvet pouches with great interest. "Not the same people sounds like a tough week to be part of."

[sunbaked_baker]

"It wasn't a tough week to go through, but it was a tough week to have gone through, if you follow," Rae remarks, mouth twisting a little as she tries to figure out how to explain. "Everyone was... different, for a week, and then returned to normal. With vague memories of being someone else."

She winces, and tries again.

"The 'me' that came to Milliways that week wasn't 'me,' Rae Seddon, coffeehouse baker and cinnamon roll queen," she explains. "The 'me' that came to Milliways that week was the 'me' that might have been, had my father gotten custody of me when my parents split up, and if my father's family hadn't disappeared before the Wars. That... version of me wasn't Rae Seddon, daughter of Charlie and Sadie Seddon, but..." the name is still difficult to say out loud, "...Raven Blaise, daughter of Onyx Blaise, of the Blaise family of magic handlers."

"...she had never been a baker. She was just finishing her ward-smithing apprenticeship."

[herr_bookman]

"Stars and garters," Autor says, his eyes widening. "That's incredible. And so you were left with vague memories of how to make wards?"

[sunbaked_baker]

"Yes, though I wouldn't trust myself to try," she admits, with a slight grin. "I've not had her training."

"That week, though, she knew... other versions of the Kattegat Vikings. They came in that week as bikers. And I guess any version of me is going to like bikers," she chuckles, looking down at the things in her hands. "Raven had made them wards as gifts, to keep them safe on the road. Wards for safety against crash injuries and for seeing things clearly."

"Found two extra when I came back to my room the next week," Rae adds with a slight smile, and holds out the two small pouches to him. "And I wondered if you might like to have them."

Just in case, she doesn't say.

[herr_bookman]

"Oh, wow," Autor says, gingerly taking the pouches. He throws his arms around her. "Thank you, Rae! That's very thoughtful of you. How do they work? Do I need to feed them at all?"

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae hugs him back, tightly. Even though she knows he is moving to Milliways, beyond the reach of war, she can feel tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She refuses to let them show. "You're welcome - you're always welcome."

Reluctantly, she lets him go. "The, um, the flat one - if you take them out of the pouches, you'll see - the flat metal one is an anti-crushed-by-flying-metal ward. It's designed to lie along the sole of one's boot. The little metal loop with the signs etched in it - in the other pouch - is a seeing-things-clearly charm. It... well, does what it sounds like it does."

[herr_bookman]

"Neat," Autor says cheerfully, already opening up the pouch with the anti-crushed-by-flying-metal ward, and toeing off his shoe. "That's fantastic. I always like beneficial magic, so thank you! I'll have to find a way to keep these on me always."

He places the ward inside his boot and slips it back on. "How will I know when they're working?"

[sunbaked_baker]

"Um... you might feel them," Rae motions vaguely to her head. His good cheer wrests a smile from her. "Sometimes, with wards, you can feel them paying attention. Like a light, background buzz in your mind."

"The seeing-things-clearly ward is designed to be worn as a necklace pendant, or hanging from... whatever piece of clothing you might want to hang it from."

She knows Raven designed it to hang from helmet straps, but she didn't feel like mentioning those right now.

[herr_bookman]

"Interesting," Autor says, inclining his head. "Well, I'll find a use for these someday, I'm sure. Who knows, they might save my life someday. I appreciate this, Rae, I really do. Thank you."

[sunbaked_baker]

"You are always welcome, Autor. While I'd much rather your life not need saving, no one ever gets a say in that," Rae says, hugging him again, on impulse. "Like any wards, these are for 'just in case they're needed,' with the hope that they won't ever be needed."

If she isn't there to keep him safe, the wards and her hopes are all she can send with him.