OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

[sunbaked_baker]

The shortening days of November mean that 'evening' starts early in Milliways.

"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."

Comments

[sunbaked_baker]

In the next bout of swordplay, Inigo's sword is knocked out of his hands and high into the air - but Inigo is able to evade the man in black long enough to catch it and resume the fight.

"Now you're just showing off," Rae calls, not at all complaining.

But as the Thrilling Fight Music crescendos, and swords flash every which way with increasing speed, the man in black abruptly disarms Inigo, who lowers himself onto his knees.

"Kill me quickly," he requests, as the man in black circles him.

"I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either...." The man In black hits Inigo over the head with the hilt of his sword, causing Inigo to crumple to the ground, out cold. Before he leaves, though, the man in black adds, "Please understand I hold you in the highest respect."

"Best. Friends," Rae declares her opinion to the world, laughing.

[herr_bookman]

"Indeed," Autor says, nudging her with his shoulder.

"Inconcievable!" Vizzini says as he spots the masked man catching up to the little party.

"Give her to me," he says to Fezzik, who sets Buttercup down. "Finish him. Finish him! Your way!"

"Oh, good, my way," Fezzik says. "Which way is my way?"

Vizzini impatiently instructs him to crush the man's head with a rock while hiding behind a boulder.

"My way's not very sportsmanlike," Fezzik says, as Vizzini runs away with the princess.

"How soon until the man in black befriends the giant?" Autor asks Rae.

[sunbaked_baker]

"He might not directly befriend him right away - like he did with Inigo," Rae remarks, watching the scene as the man in black and Fezzik trade words and then begin to 'fight.' The man in black looks, at first, like he has run into a brick wall. "This looks like the classic hero-beats-minions-one-by-one-until-he-reaches-the-boss setup. He'll likely just... yup, knock him out."

"That was almost easy."

"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake," remarks the man in the mask, having checked to make sure Fezzik is still alive. "But in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women."

With that, he takes off again, following Vizzini and Buttercup.

[herr_bookman]

"Definitely easier than I was expecting," Autor says, inclining his head to the masked man's prowess.

The scene cuts to a pair of boots tracing the steps of Inigo and the masked man's combat. "There was... a mighty... duel," Prince Humperdinck says.

"Oh, no, him again?" Autor says, pursing his lips.

"It ranged all over! They were both masters," Humperdinck says, climbing the steps.

"Who won?" his vassal says. "How did it end?"

"The loser ran off alone," Humperdinck says, jumping down from the cliff. "And the winner... followed those footprints... towards Guilder."

"If he keeps pausing while he speaks, he'll never get anywhere," Autor says, shaking his head.

"Clearly this was planned by warriors of Guilder," Prince Humperdinck guesses.

"Could this be a trap?" his vassal asks.

"I always think everything could be a trap," Humperdinck says smugly. "Which is why I'm still alive."

"Give me a break," Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Hang on a minute," Rae says, considering, as the man in black runs up the hill to find Vizzini and Buttercup waiting for him. "How many fingers has the prince got on his right hand? Hmm..."

"So," says Vizzini, indicating the flat rock set like a table, with two tall goblets of (presumably) wine. "It is down to you, and it is down to me."

"...I wonder how foolish Vizzini would have felt if Fezzik had come up, having killed the man in black, to find him with this complicated set-up all prepared," Rae snickers.

[herr_bookman]

"The prince is the masked man's enemy, not Inigo's," Autor points out. "It wouldn't do to have the main antagonist killed off by a side character."

Vizzini taunts the masked man with Buttercup's life, given that he holds a dagger at her throat. The masked man proposes a battle of wits, which Vizzini accepts, sheathing the dagger.

The man in black approaches the table and uncorks a small vial. "Inhale this, but do not touch," he says, to which Vizzini says he smells nothing. "What you do not smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is one of the more deadly poisons known to man."

"I bet he poisoned him on the inhale," Autor says, grinning.

The masked man takes the two goblets of wine and turns away with them. He turns back and instructs Vizzini to pick one to drink.

"But it's so simple," Vizzini says, pointing at him. "All I have to do is divine what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he is given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

He gestures to the wine. "But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You've made your decision, then?" the masked man asks.

"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Autor says, furrowing his brow.

[sunbaked_baker]

"I'm not sure where Guilder is in relation to Australia, but maybe it's to show just how far this conversation has wandered," Rae remarks, eyebrows raised as Vizzini rambles about people trusting and not trusting each other and which goblets of wine he cannot choose.

"Truly, you have a dizzying intellect," remarks the masked man.

"Okay, I like him. He can stay," Sunshine decides, reaching over to snag the teapot to top up her and Autor's cups of tea.

"Wait 'til I get going!" declares Vizzini (Rae may make a faint sound of incredulity at this, while she pours). "Where was I?"
"Australia," answers the masked man, flatly.
"Yes, Australia..."

"Well, I'm stumped," Rae says, setting the tea pot back down. "I've forgotten more of the book than I thought. What's your guess about where the poison is, Autor?"

[herr_bookman]

"I still think he poisoned him when he made him inhale the stuff," Autor says, gratefully accepting his tea.

"You're just stalling now," the masked man tells Vizzini.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Vizzini cries, pointing at him. "You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. Which means you may be relying on your strength to save you, which means I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You're trying to trick me into giving something away," the masked man says. "It won't work."

"It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!"

"Then make your choice."

"I will! And I choose... What in the world can that be?" Vizzini says, pointing over to the distant mountain.

"What? Where?" the masked man says, turning to look.

Vizzini switches the cups, giggling.

"What's so funny?" the masked man says.

"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink," Vizzini says. "Me from my glass, and you from yours."

They lift the goblets and drink.

"You guessed wrong," the masked man says.

"You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny!" Vizzini says. "I switched glasses when your back was turned! You've fallen victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get into a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Vizzini cackles, giving himself fully over to laughter--and keels over.

"Well," Autor says, tilting his head. "That didn't take long."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Fast acting and apparently painless," Rae remarks, chuckling a little (how he just stopped laughing and keeled over was amusing). "Not a bad way to go, all things considered."

After the masked man releases Buttercup, she stands, looking down at Vizzini.

"And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned," she murmurs.
"They were both poisoned," replies the masked man, off-handedly. "I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder."

With that, he grabs her arm and they run off.

"Well that's convenient," Rae mutters, as Prince Humperdinck shows he's still on the trail. "Makes sense that he'd carry a poison he's immune to, though, I suppose. Perhaps Vizzini should have been suspicious about that."

On the screen, the man in black and the princess in red run across the countryside. Eventually, he tosses her down against a rock, with a brusque "Catch your breath."

The princess assures him that if he would only release her, he would get any ransom he asked. But he laughs scornfully at her, "What is that worth, the promise of a woman?"

"What's with the sudden attitude from the monochrome misogynist?" Rae mutters, eyebrow rising.

"You think your dearest love will save you?"
"I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know."
The man in black stalks closer. "You admit to me you do not love your fiance."
"He knows I do not love him," she answers, plainly.
"Are not capable of love is what you mean," he replies, the scorn returning.

[herr_bookman]

Autor chuckles. "Well, he can't be perfect, can he? Every hero has to have flaws."

Buttercup stands to face the man in black. "I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!"

He raises a hand to strike her, but doesn't. "That was a warning, highness. The next time my hand flies on its own, from where I come from there are penalties when a woman lies."

He takes her hand again and drags her off.

"This seems personal," Autor says, furrowing his brow.

Humperdinck smells the vial and declares it to be iocaine powder. He mounts his horse and tracks the princess' footprints.

"Rest, highness," the man in black says, setting her down.

"I know who you are, your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!" Buttercup says, to the masked man's mocking bow.

"With pride. What can I do for you?"

"You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces."

"Whoa! She got vicious," Autor says, grinning.

[sunbaked_baker]

"I can't really blame her," Rae remarks. The masked man had won some points for cleverness, but the patronizing remarks, insults, and threats of violence have lost him more than he had to lose.

The masked man tuts at the princess. "Why loose your venom on me?"

"'Cause you're being a jerk," Rae interrupts, speaking into her tea. "And because poison doesn't apparently work."

"You killed my love," says the princess.
"It's possible," replies the Dread Pirate, idly. "I kill a lot of people."
"Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?"
Buttercup answers softly. "No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners."
The Dread Pirate Roberts spreads his arms, expansively, then folds his arms behind his head to act as a pillow. "I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time."
"You mock my pain!" exclaims the princess, outraged.
"Life is pain, Highness," the Dread Pirate answers, suddenly serious. "Anyone who says differently is selling something."

Rae leans against Autor's shoulder. "I don't think I like him any more."

[herr_bookman]

Autor leans back. "He is rather bitter, isn't he?"

The masked man stands up. "I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago?" he says. "Does it bother you to hear?"

"Nothing you say will upset me," Buttercup says, her eyes glazed with tears.

"He died well, that should please you," the Dread Pirate says, folding his arms. "No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, 'Please. Please, I need to live.' T'was the please that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. 'True love,' he replied. Then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness--I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are."

Buttercup stands. "And what am I?"

"Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness," Dread Pirate Roberts says. "Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince in the same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?"

"You mocked me once, never do it again! I died that day!" Buttercup says, and the masked man turns his head to see Humperdinck's approaching horse.

Buttercup snarls. "You can die, too, for all I care!" she says, and shoves Dread Pirate Roberts down the cliff.

"As... you... wish!" the masked man calls as he tumbles down the cliff side.

"Ohhh," Autor says, with a quick smile. "That was clever."

[sunbaked_baker]

"Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done?" cries Buttercup, and casts herself down the steep hillside after him.

Rae can't help but chuckle at the many muffled Ow!s and Ooh!s from Westley and Buttercup as they continue to tumble. "That makes sense, I suppose - who else could the masked man have been? Though he was rather mean about it."

"...And there's no way they would get out of this without some broken bones. Not that long a fall."

"He disappeared," declares Humperdinck, scanning the horizon. "He must have seen us closing in. Which might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp."

"...Why exactly is the prince the bad guy again, apart from being the romantic rival to the one who threatens to slap the princess, insults her, and insists his love is True Love?"

[herr_bookman]

"I think in the book he was planning on killing Buttercup to start a war with Guilder," Autor says, sipping his tea. "But I'm not sure. It looks like all is forgiven with Westley, unfortunately."

Westley cradles her in his arms and asks why she didn't wait for him.

"Well," Buttercup says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, "you were dead."

"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while," Westley says.

"I will never doubt again."

"There will never be a need."

They start to kiss, only to be interrupted by the boy protesting. He's eating a sandwich, and the grandfather is drinking coffee. "They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?"

"Someday you may not mind so much," the grandfather tells the boy.

"Skip onto the fire swamp, that sounded good," the boy says.

"Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you," the grandfather says, setting his coffee aside.

"I forgot about the boy listening to the story," Autor says, sheepish.

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae grins, taking a handful of popcorn before offering the bowl to Autor. "Yeaaaah, the framing device isn't the most riveting part of the story."

Westley and Buttercup race along the ravine floor. They stop as Humperdinck and his men reach the top edge of the ravine.

"Ha!" says Westley, delighted. "Your pig fiancé is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp."

Tugging Buttercup along, they continue to run along the bottom of the ravine. "We'll never survive!" cries Buttercup, but Westley dismisses her worries with a cavalier, "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."

"Well that's comforting, Westley. Thank you for that," Rae remarks, dry.

The fire swamp is a fittingly dark and vine-tangled place, accompanied by ominous music. Westley and Buttercup proceed cautiously, looking around.

"It's not that bad," Westley opines lightly (causing Rae with snort into her tea). Buttercup looks at him with a puzzled expression and her head tilted. "Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."

They continue deeper into the swamp, but a series of popping sounds gives them pause. Suddenly, a flame spout appears beside Buttercup, and she screams. Her gown catches fire, but Westley quickly smothers it and helps her to her feet.

Well now, that was an adventure," he says, smoothly. "Singed a bit, were you?"
Buttercup shakes head. "You?"
Westley shakes his head, with a look that says it was never a possibility. As they continue forward, he hears the popping sounds again and quickly moves her clear of another fire spurt, just in time.

"Well, one thing I will say," he remarks. "The fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes."

"I don't know what it is," Rae says, frowning at Westley. "I still don't like his attitude. It's.... yeah, he cares about her, but is kind of patronizing and belittling at the same time? It totally grates."

[herr_bookman]

"He definitely changed from 'poor and perfect', didn't he?" Autor says, shaking his head. He takes some popcorn with a brief smile. "Becoming Dread Pirate Roberts must have given him an ego."

"This will all soon be but a happy memory," Westley says as he chops down vines with his sword. "Robert's ship Revenge is parked at the far end. And as you know, I am Roberts."

"But how is that possible?" Buttercup says, following along. "Since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago."

"I myself am awfully surprised at life's little quirks," Westley says, picking her up out of the way of another fire spurt. "See, what I told you before about saying please was true. It intrigued Roberts. As did my description of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, 'All right, Westley. I've never had a valet. I can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' Three years he said that.... It was a fine time for me. I learned to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened."

"What? Go on."

"Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret," Westley says, scooping her up into his arms. "'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said. My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts. Just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years, and living like a king in Patagonia. Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to some one else. Is everything clear to you?"

"He has to ask her that?" Autor says, furrowing his brow. "She was clearly paying attention to him."

[sunbaked_baker]

"And it wasn't confusing in the slightest," Rae remarks. "It was, in fact, quite straight-forward - oh, of course..."

Because on the screen, Buttercup had taken a few steps on her own two feet, fell into a sand-pit, and promptly needed saving. Lucky she has Westley there for that exactly purpose, for he cleverly cuts a vine and, holding tight to it, dives in after her. Just in time to miss the giant rat-like creature trundling by.

"Oh!" Mild interest enters Rae's tone. "They have were-rats in this world. I wouldn't have thought they did."

With heroic fanfare and mighty gasps for air, Westley emerges from the sand pit with Buttercup hanging onto him. He pulls them both free, to rest and get their breath back alongside the sand pit.

"I thought this was a swamp. Do swamps usually have dry sand pits?"

[herr_bookman]

"Probably not, no," Autor says, as Westley embraces Buttercup and spots the giant rat. "I can't imagine any swamp having quicksand like that. And those look like rabid wait rats."

"We'll never succeed," Buttercup says, sand sticking to her face. "We may as well die here."

"No! No! We have already succeeded," Westley says, putting Buttercup to her feet. "I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like so in the future we can avoid that, too."

"There he goes being patronizing again," Autor says, scoffing.

"Westley," Buttercup says, grasping his arm. "What about the R.O.U.Ses?"

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist."

At which point he's tackled by one of them, prompting a snicker from Autor.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Aww, and now the rat's going to have to die for having appropriately comedic timing," Rae says, sipping her tea as Westley struggles with the R.O.U.S and Buttercup... watches. "Sword, Buttercup. He can't reach his sword. Could you help out? Maybe? Or... no, I guess not. Poking it with a stick and falling over doesn't seem to be doing much to help, does it? Stop being so useless."

Oh, but luckily, Westley hears the tell-tale popping sound and is able to roll the rat over into a flame-spurt just in time, get his sword, and then stab the wounded animal to death. Buttercup and Westley exchange a look.

Rae drinks more tea. "That's three rescues of the damsel in distress in the fire swamp scene alone, guys," she complains to the movie, as Buttercup's gape-mouth stare fades into the next scene.

The two of them walk out of the swamp and into a rather pleasantly forested area, hand-in-hand.

"We did it," Buttercup says significantly, looking at Westley.

"Wait, what? When? Between the last scene and now? Or - ohhh, you probably just meant you got out of the swamp..." Rae can't help herself. Autor is right there.

[herr_bookman]

"Rae!" Autor says, scandalized. He blushes from his collarbones to his roots and whacks her with a pillow.

Meanwhile, Westley's gone in for the kiss when Prince Humperdinck's horse arrives on the scene. He demands surrender, to which Westley refuses, giving crossbowmen time to point their weapons at Dread Pirate Roberts.

"For the last time! Surrender!" Humperdinck demands, drawing his sword.

"Death first!" Westley says, until Buttercup steps forward.

"Will you promise not to hurt him?" she says.

"What was that?" Humperdinck and Westley both say.

"Oh, she finally saved him," Autor says, rubbing his cheeks from the fearsome blush. "Good for her."

"He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge," Buttercup says. "Promise to return him to his ship!"

"I swear it will be done," Humperdinck says, tilting his head at his crossbowmen. He turns to his vassal and whispers, "Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair."

"The Pit of Despair, that's promising," Autor says.

[sunbaked_baker]

Rae grins unrepentantly and leans on Autor, chuckling. She is mildly amazed (echoing Westley and Humperdinck's amazement) that Buttercup actually spoke up and did something.

"Oh, I'm sure the name is misleading," she grins. "But he didn't even bother lowering his voice to say that, did he?"

Buttercup faces Westley, speaking her heart. "I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you."

With that, the Prince lifts her up onto his horse as he rides by -

"What the hell, does she have a handle attached to her back or something?" Rae exclaims.

- leaving Westley with the count.

"Come, sir," says the count, speaking very evenly. "We must get you to your ship."

"This character is a bad actor. Not the actor, the actor's doing fine, but the character is a bad actor," Rae chuckles.

Westley, too, sees right through the barely-attempted deception. He steps forward, and smiles. "We are men of action," he says. "Lies do not become us."

The count smiles back. "Well spoken, sir." He gives the nod to his men, then notices Westley's look. "What is it?"

Westley is smirking. "You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you."

"Ooooooooooooh," Rae says, grinning broadly and jostling Autor's shoulder at the significance of this. On the screen, the count knocks Westley out cold. Maybe this is starting to really get good.

[herr_bookman]

Autor allows himself to be jostled and leaned on, and even nudges her back. "Oooh, indeed," he says, flashing a quick grin at his friend. His blush has mostly faded, but still lingers on his cheeks. "I told you the reveal would be within the next ten minutes."

The scene opens up on an albino monk carrying a tray with a goblet and plate full of food down some damp stairs. He comes upon the sleeping Westley, who is bolted to a table, and begins cleaning his wounds inflicted by the Rodents of Unusual Size.

"Where am I?" Westley says.

"The Pit of Despair," the albino rasps. "Don't even think--" he adds in the same raspy voice, and then clears his throat, speaking normally afterwards. "Don't even think of trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't even dream of being rescued either. The only way in is secret. Only the Count, the Prince, and I know how to get in and out."

"So I'm here 'till I die?" Westley says flatly.

"'Till they kill you, yeah," the albino says, continuing to clean Westley's wounds.

"So why bother curing me?"

"The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken."

"So it's to be torture," Westley says smugly. "I can cope with torture."

The albino shakes his head, his eyes widening, and Autor laughs.

"You survived the fire swamp," the albino says, "you must be very brave, but nobody withstands the machine."

"Oh, I like him," Autor says, chuckling.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Me, too," Rae agrees, still snickering over the dramatic voice change and the albino monk's expressions.

Meanwhile, Buttercup wanders aimlessly through the castle, not even noticing the Prince and the Count.
"She's been like that ever since the fire swamp," remarks the Prince. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her."
"Of course." the Count agrees.

"...They're both in on this, both know about Westley, why do they keep up such a lazy deception among themselves?" Rae asks, dry.

"The King died that very night," the grandfather says in voice-over. "And before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."
Humperdinck stands before the crowd gathered at the castle, and proclaims, "My father's final words were-"
But the Grandson interrupts. "Hold it, hold it, Grandpa."

The scene shifts back to the boy's bedroom.
"Y-you read that wrong," the grandson insists. "She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

"What," Rae says, with a raised eyebrow.

The Grandfather spreads a hand in a questioning gesture. "Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair."

"You teach 'em, Grandpa. The kid doesn't need to grow up thinking that life... works like that."

"I'm telling you," insists the boy, "you're messing up the story, now get it right!"
His grandfather plays the trump card, threatening to stop the story, "Do you want me to go on with this?"
"...Yes," the grandson replies, lowering his head.
"All right, then. No more interruptions," replies the grandfather, and resumes telling the story. "At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their Queen."

[herr_bookman]

Autor shakes his head. "I keep forgetting about the grandson in this story."

Humperdinck introduces Queen Buttercup, who greets her subjects. One in particular, an old woman in rags, boos her.

"Why do you do this?" Buttercup asks, stricken.

"Because you had love in your hands!" the old woman says. "And you gave it up!"

"But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it."

"Your true love lives! And you marry another!" the old woman says, gesturing to Humperdinck on the balcony. "True love saved her in the fire swamp..."

"Thrice," Autor says dryly.

"... and she threw it away like garbage," the old woman continues. "And that's what she is! The queen of refuse! So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the queen of slime. The queen of filth! The queen of putrescence!"

"Putrescence! Nice!" Autor says cheerfully.

"Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!"

Buttercup's horrified face gives way to her waking up in bed, sweaty and gasping. She runs down the hall to the grandfather narrating that it was ten days until the wedding, and the king is still alive, but that her nightmares keep getting worse.

"See?" the grandson says triumphantly. "Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?"

"Yes, you're very smart," the grandfather says dryly. "Now shut up."

"No kidding," Autor agrees.

[sunbaked_baker]

"Poor Buttercup," Rae remarks. "Her fiance is awful, her love - unbeknownst to her - is imprisoned and about to be tortured, she's got a seriously stupid-sounding name, and she's got not just her own conscience berating her while she sleeps, she's got an eleven year old know-it-all playing critic in another layer of reality."

"....And us," she adds, a moment later. "Fair's fair."

"It comes to this," declares Buttercup, confronting Humperdinck. "I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning."
Humperdinck seems to take this very seriously. "I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off."

He rises, and asks Count Rugen, "You, uh, returned this Westley to his ship?"
"Yes," replies the count.
"Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you?" Humperdinck asks, doubtfully. "After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known to be men of their words."
"My Westley will always come for me."

"Westley said so, after declaring his love is true, so it might as well be a law of nature," Rae remarks, wryly. That's how stories work.

"Ah..." replies the prince, still doubtful,then brightens somewhat as an idea appears to strike him. "I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"
Buttercup nods.

Rae snags the popcorn bowl and takes a handful before offering the bowl to Autor. "You've got to wonder what extra sense told Westley that Buttercup was in danger so he could come back from sailing the high seas just in time and just in the right place to save her from Vizzini. Buttercup apparently got none of that sense."