sunbaked_baker | OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

"Yeah, he didn't have a single line in that whole scene, did he?" Rae asks, pouring Autor and herself a warm-up on tea, while on the screen the Prince gets Buttercup ready for the wedding, despite her protests that Westley will come for her. "It's just kind of weird and kind of cheap to have a plot-device be delivered off-screen like that. Why couldn't we have seen Miracle Max offering the cloak to Fezzik, if the cloak is a plot-important item?"

While Fezzik, Inigo, and Westley prepare themselves on the battlements, in the castle chapel, the wedding begins. Organ music plays in the background, ending as the impressive clergyman gestures to the prince and Buttercup.

"Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togevah today."

"...What." Rae, distracted, almost spills her tea. She hurriedly wipes at the bedspread, trying not to shake with giggling. "What is with this guy's voice?"

"Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam," continues the clergyman.
From outside, Yellin can be heard yelling, "Stand your ground, men, stand your ground!" It causes something of a commotion among the people in the chapel, and Humperdinck looks uncertain.

Outside, Yellin calls again, "Stand your ground!"

"What the lurid, multicolored hells are they doing?"

A gigantic figure wrapped in a black cloak can be seen looming over the tall stone wall.
"I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" bellows Fezzik's voice. "There will be no survivors!"
Westley is leaning on Inigo while he pushes the wheelbarrow Fezzik is standing on while wearing the holocaust cloak.
"Now?" Inigo whispers, tense with exertion.
"Not yet," replies Westley.
"My men are here, I am here," booms Fezzik, pointing a doomladen finger at the crowd of terrified guards. "But soon, you will not be here."
"Now?" Inigo whispers again, nearly at the limits of his endurance.
"Light him," Westley confirms.
Inigo lights the cloak on fire with a candle, which is soon engulfed in flames.
"The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors!" Fezzik bellows, as the soldiers back up from the flaming Fezzik, and begin to scatter. "All your worst nightmares are about to come true!"

"That's... actually a really clever plan," Rae remarks. "But why would anyone even have a cloak that goes up like that, in the first place? What use would it be, apart from this very specific situation?"

"I have no idea," Autor says, furrowing his brow. "It was a neat effect, though."

"Then wuv, true wuv," the clergyman says, as Humperdinck motions to Count Rugen to check out the disturbance, "will fowwow you fowever..."

The men outside begin to scatter as Fezzik lifts his arms. "The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your soul!"

All that's left is Yellin.

"So tweasure your wuv..." the clergyman says.

"Skip to the end," Humperdinck says, setting his jaw.

"Have you the wing?" the clergyman says, and Humperdinck takes Buttercup's hand to put the ring on her finger.

"Here comes my Westley now," Buttercup says.

Fezzik discards the cloak and lifts the closing portcullis, leaving a wide-eyed Yellin to confront him.

"Your Westley is dead," Humperdinck tells Buttercup. "I killed him myself."

"Then why is there fear behind your eyes?" Buttercup says boldly.

Westley stares at Yellin. "Give us the gate key."

"I have no gate key," Yellin says.

"Fezzik?" Inigo says. "Tear his arms off."

"Oh, you mean this gate key," Yellin says, and Autor laughs.

"Well, that was easier than expected," Autor says. "Sixty men scattered to the winds."

"And do you, Pwincess Bwuttercwup..." the clergyman says.

"Man and wife! Say man and wife!" Humperdinck demands.

"Man and wife," the clergyman says.

"Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite, I'll be there shortly," Humperdinck says, passing a stunned Buttercup off to his elderly father.

"He didn't come," Buttercup says woodenly.

"Poor Buttercup," Autor says, sipping his tea. "Marrying a man she despises."

"Well, I don't know how weddings are done in that world, but I didn't hear her say 'I do.' Did you?" Rae says, eyebrows raised at the dubious marriage ceremony. "She didn't agree to anything. And why does a castle have a honeymoon suite, like a hotel?"

Rugen and guards rush down the castle corridors, swords drawn, to come face to face with Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik.
"Kill the dark one and the giant," orders Rugen, "but leave the third for questioning."
Inigo quickly and efficiently dispatches the charging guards, leaving Count Rugen alone. "Hello," he says with unnerving calm. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Rae says, excited, bumping Autor's shoulder with her own (and possibly endangering his tea). "Is it time? I've been looking forward to this part!"

Rugen pauses, then suddenly turns and runs ("Fucking coward!" howls Rae, disappointed). Inigo immediately gives chase. Westley and Fezzik look at each other. Rugen ducks into a room, locking the door behind him. Inigo is left to ram his body ineffectually against the bolted door.
"Fezzik!!!!!! I need you!!!!!" he calls, frantic with the thought of his father's murderer getting away.
Fezzik gestures to Westley, who he is supporting. "I can't leave him alone."
"He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!!" Inigo cries in increasing desperation. "Arr!!! Fezzik!!! Aaargh!!"
Fezzik very gently places Westley against a suit of armor, assuring him, "I'll be right back."
Inigo continues to ram the door, with sounds of exertions, until Fezzik comes and handily breaks the door down. "Thank you," Inigo doesn't hesitate to run right through, continuing the chase.

"Get 'im, Inigo!" Rae cheers him on.

In a different corridor, the elderly king and queen escort the seemingly numb Buttercup to the honeymoon suite.

"Strange wedding," muses the old king.
"Yes. A very strange wedding," agrees the queen. "Come along." She walks ahead.
Buttercup pauses as the king pats her hand. Very gently, she leans forward and kisses the King's cheek.
"What was that for?" the king asks, both confused and delighted.
"Because you've always been so kind to me," Buttercup answers with little tone in her voice, "and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite."
"Won't that be nice?" the mostly-deaf king agrees, then calls to Queen in delight, "She kissed me!"

"Oh dear," Rae winces in sympathy. "Poor Buttercup is left with no idea what's going on, thinking Westley is dead and all is lost. I just hope this movie doesn't do a sort of Romeo and Juliet tragedy of errors."

"That would be awful," Autor says, shaking his head. "I don't think I could forgive it if it goes that route."

Rugen runs down the hall with Inigo hot on his heels, prompting Autor to say, "I swear, this castle is all corridors."

Fezzik returns to find Westley missing. Rugen runs through a couple of rooms and down a flight of stairs, pausing only to draw a dagger from his boot--which he hurls into Inigo's belly.

"I'm sorry, Father," Inigo says, leaning against the wall. "I tried. I tried."

"You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago," Rugen says, stalking forward. "Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous."

"What a villain," Autor says.

Buttercup enters her rooms, and finds a dagger to hold against her chest. Westley interrupts her, laying on the bed.

"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world," he says, and Autor blushes. "T'would be a pity to damage yours."

"Westley! Westley darling!" Buttercup says, throwing herself on the prone Dread Pirate Roberts to kiss him senseless. "Westley, why won't you hold me?"

"Gently," he says.

"At a time like this, that's all you can think to say?" Buttercup says, lifting his head to smother him in kisses. "Gently?"

"Gently!" Westley says, and she drops his head against the headboard. He grunts.

Meanwhile, Inigo pulls the dagger out and gets to his feet.

"Good heavens," Rugen says. "Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday." He draws his sword and thrusts forward, aiming for the heart. Inigo deflects it, burying the point in his arm, and again to the other arm.

"Hello," Inigo says, blocking his sword twice more. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

He falls against a table, and pushes himself up to block Count Rugen's sword again. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

He thrusts with his sword to meet Rugen's. "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

"Stop saying that," Rugen demands.

Inigo stabs him in each of his shoulders, backing him up against a table. "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

He disarms Rugen and cuts his cheek. "Offer me money."

"Yes," Rugen says.

"Power, too, promise me that," Inigo says, cutting the other cheek.

"All that I have and more, please."

Inigo removes his hand from his bleeding abdomen. "Offer me everything I ask for."

"Anything you want," Rugen says, lifting his sword. Inigo catches his hand and stabs him through.

"I want my father back, you son of a bitch."

"Good for you, Inigo!" Autor says cheerfully. "He did it! He actually did it! In the book his wounds reopen as they escape, but he got Count Rugen!"

Rae cheers Inigo as well, clinking her tea cup against Autor's. "I'm so glad he got his revenge. I mean, I didn't doubt for a second that he would..." She would appreciate Autor just overlooking her trepidation and sounds of distress when Inigo was wounded repeatedly during the fight.

In the honeymoon suite, Buttercup clings to Westley. "Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?"
"What hideous sin have you committed lately?"

"Well, nope, Westley's still kind of an ass. Inigo is confirmed for Best Character," Rae remarks, as Buttercup explains about the wedding.

Westley shakes his head a little. "Never happened."
"But it did. I was there," protests Buttercup. "This old man said 'man and wife.'"
"Did you say 'I do'?"
Buttercup hesitates. "Um, no. We sort of skipped that part."
"Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it."

"I wondered if that was a plot point," Rae says, happily justified in her previous shenanigans-calling.

Humperdinck appears in the doorway behind them.
"A technicality that will shortly be remedied," he assures the lovers. "But first things first." The prince draws his sword. "To the death."
"No!" Westley protests from his position on the bed. "To the pain."
Humperdinck hesitates. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."
"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon," Westley says, coldly.
Humperdinck closes his eyes as though in pain. "That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me."

"Oh you poor baby," Rae says, unable to keep from laughing. "Poor thing. Suffering so!"

"It won't be the last," Westley assures him. "To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."
"And then my tongue, I suppose," Humperdinck sounds almost bored. "I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight." He moves forward.
"I wasn't finished," Westley interrupts. "The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right."
"And then my ears, I understand," Humperdinck says, impatiently, "let's get on with it."
"Wrong!" Westley contradicts. "Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why."

"He's sooooooo stalling for time," Rae grins, entertained. "Very clever of him, but when you know the situation, it's really obvious what he's doing."

"...every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
"I think you're bluffing," Humperdinck replies, but he doesn't look so sure.
"It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing," Westley replies, calmly. "It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all." Trying to disguise the effort it takes, Wesltey stands and extends his sword in front of him, pointing it at Humperdinck. "Drop... your... sword." Humperdinck promptly drops it.

"Well, that worked surprisingly well, I think," Rae chuckles. "Though... wait..." On the screen, Buttercup is tying the prince to a chair. "When the grandfather told the kid that Humperdinck lives at the end... he really meant it, didn't he? It wasn't just a ruse to get the kid to shut up and listen to the story! Ha!"

"Oh, no, that's terrible," Autor says, furrowing his brow. "Westley should have killed him. The prince has enough resources to haunt Westley and Buttercup for the rest of their lives."

Autor tilts his head. "What happened to the wound on Westley's shoulder? It's clean now."

Inigo arrives, to Autor's cheering. "Where's Fezzik?"

"I thought he was with you," Westley says, and nearly falls.

"Help him," Inigo says to Buttercup.

"Why does Westley need helping?" Buttercup says, and Autor scoffs.

"Don't ask why he needs help, just get over there and help him," Autor says.

"Because he has no strength," Inigo says.

"I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was..." Humperdinck says, until Inigo points his sword at his face. "... bluffing."

"Shall I dispatch him for you?" Inigo says.

"Yes," Autor says.

"Thank you, but no," Westley says. "Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life with his cowardice."

"Inigo!" Fezzik calls from outside. "Inigo, where are you?"

The three walk to a double window which conveniently opens. Fezzik is down at the bottom with four white horses. "Ah, there you are," Fezzik says. "Inigo, I found the prince's stable. And there they were! Four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us. If we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!"

He waves, and Buttercup smiles and waves back.

"So I took them with me," Fezzik continues. "In case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did."

"Fezzik, you did something right," Inigo says.

"Don't worry," Fezzik says. "I won't let it go to my head."

Buttercup leaps out the window, falling in slow motion to a harp glide and her dress fluttering in the wind. She lands in Fezzik's arms, and Westley gestures for Inigo to go next.

"You know, it's strange," Inigo says. "I have been in the revenge business for so long, now I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

"Have you ever considered piracy?" Westley says. "You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts." Then he falls out of the window.

"They rode to freedom," the grandfather narrates. "And Westley and Buttercup felt a wave of love. And as they reached for each other..." He leans back, shutting the book.

"What? What?" the grandson says.

"Nah, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that."

"I don't mind so much," the grandson says, and the grandfather continues reading.

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that have been rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind," the grandfather says. "The End."

"Grandpa? Maybe you could come over and read it again for me tomorrow?" the grandson says.

"As you wish," the grandfather says, and the credits roll.

"Oh, now that was a good movie," Autor says, beaming. "I'll have to read the book again to see what the differences are between them."

"Definitely a good movie," Rae grins, as the credits roll in the background. "Though Inigo overshadowed Westley as the best character, easily. I may have the reread the book as well - it was only really when the movie started that I realized just how much of it I had forgotten."

She finishes her tea, considering something. "I think you're right, though, about Humperdinck. He's still prince. He's still got extensive resources at his disposal. At the very least, Westley, Fezzik, Inigo, and Buttercup will never be safe anywhere near Florin again. And the prince has his armada. Who know what will happen? It would have been safer for everyone involved if Westley had just killed him."

"And he was planning to strangle Buttercup to start a war with Guilder," Autor points out, scoffing. "There's no doubt in my mind that he'll try to start a war with them in some other way. At least Count Rugen's dead. He was the true villain of the piece. Inigo had to search deep inside himself when he thought he'd lost in order to overcome the Count, and that's the measure of a true climax."

"The conflict between Inigo and Count Rugen was a lot more satisfying," Rae agrees, nodding.

"The prince's plan involving Buttercup just seems so... convoluted. Like he was really setting himself up to lose. If he really wanted, he could have found a much easier way to construct a pretext for war. If he wanted to be king as well, he'd just have to pay someone in the crowd to shoot his father dead, then after the guards arrest the person, he could declare that they've discovered it was a Guilder spy. And boom, ready-made war."

Edited 2015-11-28 07:13 (UTC)

"Wars do come pretty easily after assassinations," Autor says, shifting on the bed.

"It just kind of snowballs from there," she nods. Rae had read some things about wars in different versions of Earth. There was one where... oh skegging damn - that's the war Autor's worried about. The one he's moving to Milliways to avoid. She'd forgotten. Great going, Seddon. Rae seeks to hide her grimace in taking a sip of her tea... only to remember that her teacup is already empty. No help there. What can she...?

"Oh! Hey, Autor," she says, remembering something. She sets her empty cup down and scoots to the edge of the bed to stand up. "I have something for you."

Autor perks up, setting his empty teacup aside. "Oh? What is it, Rae?" he says, tilting his head at her.

Edited 2015-11-28 07:28 (UTC)

She goes to her bedside table and removes a couple of small velvet pouches from the drawer. "...Do you remember that week where... everyone wasn't themselves? Not like Cubefall or one of the holidays, I mean. It's hard to explain. Everyone was themselves, only different. It wasn't necessarily a physical change. The same people as usual came in... only they weren't the same people."

"...I'm probably not making sense."

"I don't, but if it's part of Milliways' usual weirdness, that's understandable," Autor says, eyeing the velvet pouches with great interest. "Not the same people sounds like a tough week to be part of."

"It wasn't a tough week to go through, but it was a tough week to have gone through, if you follow," Rae remarks, mouth twisting a little as she tries to figure out how to explain. "Everyone was... different, for a week, and then returned to normal. With vague memories of being someone else."

She winces, and tries again.

"The 'me' that came to Milliways that week wasn't 'me,' Rae Seddon, coffeehouse baker and cinnamon roll queen," she explains. "The 'me' that came to Milliways that week was the 'me' that might have been, had my father gotten custody of me when my parents split up, and if my father's family hadn't disappeared before the Wars. That... version of me wasn't Rae Seddon, daughter of Charlie and Sadie Seddon, but..." the name is still difficult to say out loud, "...Raven Blaise, daughter of Onyx Blaise, of the Blaise family of magic handlers."

"...she had never been a baker. She was just finishing her ward-smithing apprenticeship."

"Stars and garters," Autor says, his eyes widening. "That's incredible. And so you were left with vague memories of how to make wards?"

"Yes, though I wouldn't trust myself to try," she admits, with a slight grin. "I've not had her training."

"That week, though, she knew... other versions of the Kattegat Vikings. They came in that week as bikers. And I guess any version of me is going to like bikers," she chuckles, looking down at the things in her hands. "Raven had made them wards as gifts, to keep them safe on the road. Wards for safety against crash injuries and for seeing things clearly."

"Found two extra when I came back to my room the next week," Rae adds with a slight smile, and holds out the two small pouches to him. "And I wondered if you might like to have them."

Just in case, she doesn't say.

"Oh, wow," Autor says, gingerly taking the pouches. He throws his arms around her. "Thank you, Rae! That's very thoughtful of you. How do they work? Do I need to feed them at all?"

Rae hugs him back, tightly. Even though she knows he is moving to Milliways, beyond the reach of war, she can feel tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She refuses to let them show. "You're welcome - you're always welcome."

Reluctantly, she lets him go. "The, um, the flat one - if you take them out of the pouches, you'll see - the flat metal one is an anti-crushed-by-flying-metal ward. It's designed to lie along the sole of one's boot. The little metal loop with the signs etched in it - in the other pouch - is a seeing-things-clearly charm. It... well, does what it sounds like it does."

"Neat," Autor says cheerfully, already opening up the pouch with the anti-crushed-by-flying-metal ward, and toeing off his shoe. "That's fantastic. I always like beneficial magic, so thank you! I'll have to find a way to keep these on me always."

He places the ward inside his boot and slips it back on. "How will I know when they're working?"

"Um... you might feel them," Rae motions vaguely to her head. His good cheer wrests a smile from her. "Sometimes, with wards, you can feel them paying attention. Like a light, background buzz in your mind."

"The seeing-things-clearly ward is designed to be worn as a necklace pendant, or hanging from... whatever piece of clothing you might want to hang it from."

She knows Raven designed it to hang from helmet straps, but she didn't feel like mentioning those right now.

"Interesting," Autor says, inclining his head. "Well, I'll find a use for these someday, I'm sure. Who knows, they might save my life someday. I appreciate this, Rae, I really do. Thank you."

"You are always welcome, Autor. While I'd much rather your life not need saving, no one ever gets a say in that," Rae says, hugging him again, on impulse. "Like any wards, these are for 'just in case they're needed,' with the hope that they won't ever be needed."

If she isn't there to keep him safe, the wards and her hopes are all she can send with him.

OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor

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