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The knot into which Sunshine had bound away all of her grief so she could focus on caring for A-Yuan, to be there for the sick child who had lost so much already, began threatening to unravel the moment the door had shut with Lan Wangji and A-Yuan settled in Abe no Seimei's room. Suddenly without immediate needs driving her actions, without some immediate threat to orient herself around, Rae had found herself truly alone for the first time in... weeks.
The silence upon her return to her room was nearly deafening.
Leaning with her back against her closed door - alone with only that knot of grief for company - the thought of undoing that intricate knot felt less like a good idea and more like a failure, falling apart, losing it. Sunshine wanted to resist, to hold herself together - grieving hurt, and if she let herself fall apart, who knew how long it'd take her to come back together again? But some part of her, remembering the false comfort of burning to ash and being nothing, of distancing grief with smoke and alcohol, knew that was what Rae had been doing all through these weeks. Adding new knots with every new pang of loss, bundling away every thought that threatened to undo her. Out of necessity, yes, but untenable, in the long run. Sunshine knew as much.
So she had made herself hear the silence of her room. Rae slowly lowered herself down to sit on the floor with her back to her door, just listening to herself breathe - unwinding the tangled, painful thoughts with care and dread until her breaths had become heavier, and uneven, and the first strands of the knot unraveled.
Like progress in undoing any complicated knot, like progress in solving a puzzle, the grief came in waves. Sunshine soon dissolved into mourning, sobbing hard, breaths ragged, murmured words unintelligible, unable to stem the flow of tears for a long time. But sometimes the tide would ebb. After particularly hard waves of grief, she would sit, her uneven breathing the loudest thing in the room, her forehead pressed to her bent knees, until some new painful thought would be released and the tears would rise again. She eventually moved from the hard floor to her bed, dampening her pillow with her slightly more muffled tears, but if she slept she doesn't remember it.
It is probably the next day when she comes back to herself, not-quite-waking in not-quite-peace. The pain is still there; there are still knots waiting to be undone, but the waves are gentler, and she is... more or less functional, for now.
She doesn't want food, doesn't want to venture out, but some parts of the brain don't take orders from her. Rae makes herself get up. Makes herself wash her face, and though it wipes away the salt-tracks from her face it does little for her red-rimmed eyes. She can't quite make herself change clothes, however rumpled she looks, so she ventures downstairs via the outside bypass stairs that lead more easily to the kitchen.
There, still on auto-pilot, she puts water on to heat for tea.
The silence upon her return to her room was nearly deafening.
Leaning with her back against her closed door - alone with only that knot of grief for company - the thought of undoing that intricate knot felt less like a good idea and more like a failure, falling apart, losing it. Sunshine wanted to resist, to hold herself together - grieving hurt, and if she let herself fall apart, who knew how long it'd take her to come back together again? But some part of her, remembering the false comfort of burning to ash and being nothing, of distancing grief with smoke and alcohol, knew that was what Rae had been doing all through these weeks. Adding new knots with every new pang of loss, bundling away every thought that threatened to undo her. Out of necessity, yes, but untenable, in the long run. Sunshine knew as much.
So she had made herself hear the silence of her room. Rae slowly lowered herself down to sit on the floor with her back to her door, just listening to herself breathe - unwinding the tangled, painful thoughts with care and dread until her breaths had become heavier, and uneven, and the first strands of the knot unraveled.
Like progress in undoing any complicated knot, like progress in solving a puzzle, the grief came in waves. Sunshine soon dissolved into mourning, sobbing hard, breaths ragged, murmured words unintelligible, unable to stem the flow of tears for a long time. But sometimes the tide would ebb. After particularly hard waves of grief, she would sit, her uneven breathing the loudest thing in the room, her forehead pressed to her bent knees, until some new painful thought would be released and the tears would rise again. She eventually moved from the hard floor to her bed, dampening her pillow with her slightly more muffled tears, but if she slept she doesn't remember it.
It is probably the next day when she comes back to herself, not-quite-waking in not-quite-peace. The pain is still there; there are still knots waiting to be undone, but the waves are gentler, and she is... more or less functional, for now.
She doesn't want food, doesn't want to venture out, but some parts of the brain don't take orders from her. Rae makes herself get up. Makes herself wash her face, and though it wipes away the salt-tracks from her face it does little for her red-rimmed eyes. She can't quite make herself change clothes, however rumpled she looks, so she ventures downstairs via the outside bypass stairs that lead more easily to the kitchen.
There, still on auto-pilot, she puts water on to heat for tea.
OOM: Girl in the War
Feb. 2nd, 2018 11:59 amShe hadn't thought that already-exhausting day could have gotten any longer, but it did.
There had been the expected blowup when Rae had called the coffeehouse to let them know she couldn't come in for a while. This had never happened before. She couldn't blame them for not really having a good way of dealing well with the news. Softening it with I just burned my hands pretty bad - just an accident - and the doctors said I should limit how much I use them while they heal. It'll only take a week or so... didn't help much, though gods bless Mel and Charlie for keeping Rae's mother out of the loop until the last moment, when everything had already kind of been settled and the fuss had died down somewhat.
Sunshine's apprentice had said they would be up for the challenge of being acting-head-baker for a while, with the kind of bravado that made Rae smile despite herself. Through the phone she heard Kyoko, who had helped Rae in the bakery before when she'd been between apprentices, call out that she'd keep an eye on her apprentice in the meanwhile. Rae knew Kyoko would make sure they weren't getting in over their head. Despite her protests, Mel did come out to her apartment. He came with very nearly a week's worth of groceries in his arms - obtaining food for while she healed was something she hadn't even had a chance to think about yet - and had only stared a bit when he saw how much worse it was than she had described over the phone. He didn't ask for more information than she offered, though she told him the majority of what had happened. But he did hug her a bit more tightly than usual before he left, and longer, as though by sheer force of will he could make her hurt less.
Rae loved her family dearly. Her whole coffeehouse family. She appreciated every one of them, and wished she and this life she had chosen were not such burdens upon them.
She spent the rest of the dwindling afternoon on her balcony, dozing as she soaked in the late sunlight. She took her painkillers dutifully, and gingerly smeared more of the medicinal ointment onto the burns after another four hours had passed. She added kenet where the pain was the worst, but only sparingly, to make the amount she got from the bar last. When the sun disappeared from the horizon and sunset turned into dusk, she contacted Con as well, to let him know the situation. The vampire's voice in her mind held satisfaction in her victory, though he understood it was not complete, and there would be battles yet to fight. But he was not worried. Rae tried not to be.
He came to her at 4am, when her body woke her from her fitful, painful doze because it was time to go make cinnamon rolls, and held her carefully in his arms, helping her rest. Rae doubted she would ever have Con's gift for tranquil inactivity, for doing nothing with grace and composure, but she wished she could learn. She awoke strangely peacefully, well after dawn, to find him having already left.
There had been the expected blowup when Rae had called the coffeehouse to let them know she couldn't come in for a while. This had never happened before. She couldn't blame them for not really having a good way of dealing well with the news. Softening it with I just burned my hands pretty bad - just an accident - and the doctors said I should limit how much I use them while they heal. It'll only take a week or so... didn't help much, though gods bless Mel and Charlie for keeping Rae's mother out of the loop until the last moment, when everything had already kind of been settled and the fuss had died down somewhat.
Sunshine's apprentice had said they would be up for the challenge of being acting-head-baker for a while, with the kind of bravado that made Rae smile despite herself. Through the phone she heard Kyoko, who had helped Rae in the bakery before when she'd been between apprentices, call out that she'd keep an eye on her apprentice in the meanwhile. Rae knew Kyoko would make sure they weren't getting in over their head. Despite her protests, Mel did come out to her apartment. He came with very nearly a week's worth of groceries in his arms - obtaining food for while she healed was something she hadn't even had a chance to think about yet - and had only stared a bit when he saw how much worse it was than she had described over the phone. He didn't ask for more information than she offered, though she told him the majority of what had happened. But he did hug her a bit more tightly than usual before he left, and longer, as though by sheer force of will he could make her hurt less.
Rae loved her family dearly. Her whole coffeehouse family. She appreciated every one of them, and wished she and this life she had chosen were not such burdens upon them.
She spent the rest of the dwindling afternoon on her balcony, dozing as she soaked in the late sunlight. She took her painkillers dutifully, and gingerly smeared more of the medicinal ointment onto the burns after another four hours had passed. She added kenet where the pain was the worst, but only sparingly, to make the amount she got from the bar last. When the sun disappeared from the horizon and sunset turned into dusk, she contacted Con as well, to let him know the situation. The vampire's voice in her mind held satisfaction in her victory, though he understood it was not complete, and there would be battles yet to fight. But he was not worried. Rae tried not to be.
He came to her at 4am, when her body woke her from her fitful, painful doze because it was time to go make cinnamon rolls, and held her carefully in his arms, helping her rest. Rae doubted she would ever have Con's gift for tranquil inactivity, for doing nothing with grace and composure, but she wished she could learn. She awoke strangely peacefully, well after dawn, to find him having already left.
OOM: Here I am
Jan. 15th, 2018 04:03 pmRae saw Jesse waiting for her while she received a list of prescriptions from a member of the infirmary staff. They had already been called in at the pharmacy, and just needed to be picked up. She could feel Jesse's attention on her, taking in her visible injuries and guessing at those her clothes hid from view, reacting privately so that when he came over to her, he could offer a smile and look at her without seeming like it was costing him.
Jesse had heard what had happened that morning, or a version of it, from Theo and Director Misra. Pat was still recovering, he explained with a vagueness that was almost as definite as a straight subject-change at saying checking in on Pat was not an option. He had brought her little recording device back, and said Theo had been able to make a copy of the recording from that morning without too much issue, though - and Jesse raised an eyebrow at her as he told her this - the device's interface was advanced enough that it had barely been able to communicate with SOF's own best comboxes.
Rae could see the question on his face, and had the good grace to look apologetic, but did not offer an answer.
"Did they say whether or not I'm free to go?" she asked, instead, her voice still cracked and hoarse.
Jesse frowned mildly. "We're not detaining you, Sunshine."
She shook her head very slightly, so as to not pull on the burned skin of her neck. "Sometimes it's hard to tell."
Especially when by all technical accounts the organization would have ample reason to detain her.
"It doesn't mean there won't be questions," he allows.
Rae's smile was faint and short-lived. "There always are."
"But we're sending you home for today," he said, and touched her shoulder lightly. Solidarity, with accommodations for extensive bruises. "C'mon. I've got a car waiting. Do you want me to drive you by the pharmacy on the way?"
As much as she wanted to be home, she saw the sense in the suggestion. "Yes, thank you. I... doubt I'll be up to going out again for a while." In more ways than one.
Jesse looked at her, nodding. "You'll need to rest while you recover. Give yourself that time."
"I'll do my best," she replied, grimacing as he helped her into the car - a ride in the front seat of SOF vehicle this time, how sweet - and then fastened her seatbelt once he had gotten in, as her hands did not want to cooperate. "Worst risk will be me driving my apprentice up the wall until my hands heal."
"Think they're up to the task? Yours are some big shoes to fill."
She didn't like the idea of someone taking her place at the coffeehouse, her bakery, her domain, becoming theirs. "They'll have to be, for now," she allowed.
Jesse could sense he had inadvertently hit a nerve, and glanced at her while he drove. "Hey, you'll be back. The coffeehouse needs its cinnamon roll queen."
She smiled despite herself, though it was faintly bitter. "So... apart from healing and resting and knowing there'll be questions, do we have any sort of plan?"
"So far today our track record with plans isn't too hot, Sunshine."
"Oh, I don't know," she said, watching her city pass by the car windows. "I figured the plan was this morning was to let Director Misra know what the Goddess had been up to, and hopefully get her off our backs without... compromising other things, or making our lives more difficult. Three out of four isn't terrible. The only secrets compromised were my own, and that was my choice. Because pretending they didn't exist wasn't working."
"Fair enough," Jesse said, after a long moment.
They drove in silence for a long while, and said little while they drove through at the pharmacy to pick up Rae's prescriptions.
As they neared Yolande's house and Rae felt the anticipation of relief tighten in her chest, she said quietly, "I've got you guys' back, too, you know," thinking of him and Pat and Theo, of Jocasta and the faces of the Other SOFs she had seen this morning, and of Director Misra as well. "All that... 'to the last gasp' stuff. It goes both ways."
Jesse glanced over at her, putting the car in park. There was a faint smile on his weathered face. "If we all have each others' backs, then maybe there's a chance we can pull off this whole 'changing the world' business. We have the best chance we could hope for."
Not much of a chance was still better than no chance, if you were willing to take it.
"I hope so," she smiled faintly, and pressed her elbow against his. Normally she would have touched his shoulder, but her painkillers were wearing off and her hands hurt enough that opening the car door - and then unlocking her own apartment door - was going to be rough. "... Keep me in the loop, okay? Any questions or things... and tell Pat to heal quick."
"Will do, Sunshine," Jesse nodded. The soreness and stiffness from having been in a car, plus the pain of the car door handle's pressure on her hands, must have shown on her face as she opened the door to get out. "Need any help getting up to your door?"
"No, thanks," she smiled a tight smile and tried to sound reassuring, feeling slightly woozy from the pain. "I'll be fine. Gonna sleep for a week once I get inside."
"You're a terrible liar, you know that," Jesse remarked, dry.
"So they tell me," the shrug was there in her tone, if not in her movement. "Be safe, Jesse."
"Be safe, Sunshine."
Jesse had heard what had happened that morning, or a version of it, from Theo and Director Misra. Pat was still recovering, he explained with a vagueness that was almost as definite as a straight subject-change at saying checking in on Pat was not an option. He had brought her little recording device back, and said Theo had been able to make a copy of the recording from that morning without too much issue, though - and Jesse raised an eyebrow at her as he told her this - the device's interface was advanced enough that it had barely been able to communicate with SOF's own best comboxes.
Rae could see the question on his face, and had the good grace to look apologetic, but did not offer an answer.
"Did they say whether or not I'm free to go?" she asked, instead, her voice still cracked and hoarse.
Jesse frowned mildly. "We're not detaining you, Sunshine."
She shook her head very slightly, so as to not pull on the burned skin of her neck. "Sometimes it's hard to tell."
Especially when by all technical accounts the organization would have ample reason to detain her.
"It doesn't mean there won't be questions," he allows.
Rae's smile was faint and short-lived. "There always are."
"But we're sending you home for today," he said, and touched her shoulder lightly. Solidarity, with accommodations for extensive bruises. "C'mon. I've got a car waiting. Do you want me to drive you by the pharmacy on the way?"
As much as she wanted to be home, she saw the sense in the suggestion. "Yes, thank you. I... doubt I'll be up to going out again for a while." In more ways than one.
Jesse looked at her, nodding. "You'll need to rest while you recover. Give yourself that time."
"I'll do my best," she replied, grimacing as he helped her into the car - a ride in the front seat of SOF vehicle this time, how sweet - and then fastened her seatbelt once he had gotten in, as her hands did not want to cooperate. "Worst risk will be me driving my apprentice up the wall until my hands heal."
"Think they're up to the task? Yours are some big shoes to fill."
She didn't like the idea of someone taking her place at the coffeehouse, her bakery, her domain, becoming theirs. "They'll have to be, for now," she allowed.
Jesse could sense he had inadvertently hit a nerve, and glanced at her while he drove. "Hey, you'll be back. The coffeehouse needs its cinnamon roll queen."
She smiled despite herself, though it was faintly bitter. "So... apart from healing and resting and knowing there'll be questions, do we have any sort of plan?"
"So far today our track record with plans isn't too hot, Sunshine."
"Oh, I don't know," she said, watching her city pass by the car windows. "I figured the plan was this morning was to let Director Misra know what the Goddess had been up to, and hopefully get her off our backs without... compromising other things, or making our lives more difficult. Three out of four isn't terrible. The only secrets compromised were my own, and that was my choice. Because pretending they didn't exist wasn't working."
"Fair enough," Jesse said, after a long moment.
They drove in silence for a long while, and said little while they drove through at the pharmacy to pick up Rae's prescriptions.
As they neared Yolande's house and Rae felt the anticipation of relief tighten in her chest, she said quietly, "I've got you guys' back, too, you know," thinking of him and Pat and Theo, of Jocasta and the faces of the Other SOFs she had seen this morning, and of Director Misra as well. "All that... 'to the last gasp' stuff. It goes both ways."
Jesse glanced over at her, putting the car in park. There was a faint smile on his weathered face. "If we all have each others' backs, then maybe there's a chance we can pull off this whole 'changing the world' business. We have the best chance we could hope for."
Not much of a chance was still better than no chance, if you were willing to take it.
"I hope so," she smiled faintly, and pressed her elbow against his. Normally she would have touched his shoulder, but her painkillers were wearing off and her hands hurt enough that opening the car door - and then unlocking her own apartment door - was going to be rough. "... Keep me in the loop, okay? Any questions or things... and tell Pat to heal quick."
"Will do, Sunshine," Jesse nodded. The soreness and stiffness from having been in a car, plus the pain of the car door handle's pressure on her hands, must have shown on her face as she opened the door to get out. "Need any help getting up to your door?"
"No, thanks," she smiled a tight smile and tried to sound reassuring, feeling slightly woozy from the pain. "I'll be fine. Gonna sleep for a week once I get inside."
"You're a terrible liar, you know that," Jesse remarked, dry.
"So they tell me," the shrug was there in her tone, if not in her movement. "Be safe, Jesse."
"Be safe, Sunshine."
See, this is why Rae doesn't keep pets.
"Yeah, I know," Rae says guiltily, settling her irritated and low-powered T-Minus on the kitchen table with a generous amount of food. She makes sure it's feeding the way it should before straightening up and giving it an apologetic pat. "I'm sorry I've not been here. I left you food, but I didn't expect to be away so long, and I've been rather... preoccupied."
To say the least.
"I'll be around now, though," she reassures it (though she isn't sure how to tell if the T-Minus is reassured or not). "For a good while, I think."
After a night or two of decent sleep, she's steadier on her feet and feeling less frayed, but she is nowhere near ready to head back home again.
Satisfied that the T-Minus hasn't been irreparably harmed, but still keeping an eye on it, Rae puts her apron back on and moves to the other side of the kitchen to start pouring muffin batter (cranberry-orange) into a tray of muffin cups.
"Yeah, I know," Rae says guiltily, settling her irritated and low-powered T-Minus on the kitchen table with a generous amount of food. She makes sure it's feeding the way it should before straightening up and giving it an apologetic pat. "I'm sorry I've not been here. I left you food, but I didn't expect to be away so long, and I've been rather... preoccupied."
To say the least.
"I'll be around now, though," she reassures it (though she isn't sure how to tell if the T-Minus is reassured or not). "For a good while, I think."
After a night or two of decent sleep, she's steadier on her feet and feeling less frayed, but she is nowhere near ready to head back home again.
Satisfied that the T-Minus hasn't been irreparably harmed, but still keeping an eye on it, Rae puts her apron back on and moves to the other side of the kitchen to start pouring muffin batter (cranberry-orange) into a tray of muffin cups.
OOM: The Princess Bride with Autor
Nov. 6th, 2015 09:56 pmThe shortening days of November mean that 'evening' starts early in Milliways.
"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."
"Here we go," Rae says with good cheer, cradling a big bowl of popcorn in her arms as she holds open the door to her room, to let Autor bring the drinks in. "I think we're set."
OOM: He's Here, the Autor of the Opera
Apr. 5th, 2015 10:46 pm"I'm so ready for this lingering cough to quit," Rae mutters after clearing her throat and inviting Autor into her room. "It just doesn't want to give up yet."
She holds the door open for him with the hand holding the dvd box, the other carefully balancing two bowls - one large bowl of popcorn and a smaller bowl of many-flavored jelly beans - with ease of one who has worked in the food-service industry the majority of her life.
She holds the door open for him with the hand holding the dvd box, the other carefully balancing two bowls - one large bowl of popcorn and a smaller bowl of many-flavored jelly beans - with ease of one who has worked in the food-service industry the majority of her life.
Opened up a window and in flew Enza
Mar. 11th, 2015 05:42 pmRae had been so careful putting her towel and clothes out of reach when she had reached the Caribbean inlet, specifically so she wouldn't have to worry about them while she swam. Apparently she hadn't put them high enough. When she had waded back out of the water two hours later, all that was left of her towel was a few torn and singed cotton threads, and her clothes were nowhere to be seen. Not even her coat.
It was enough to make one wonder if 'demon bunny' could constitute an actual curse. May your teeth fall out, your crops rot, and demon bunnies nick all your stuff.
The weather was warm enough at the Caribbean inlet, but Rae was wet and weary, and while winter was technically on its way out of the pseudo-Scottish countryside, it was still plenty chilly, and the muddy ground was frigid under her bare feet.
Her teeth were chattering by the time she reached the bar room's back door - the key to her room had been in her coat pocket, anyway, so she figured she might as well go directly in. The Bar's offerings of a fluffy (whole, and unsinged!) towel and a thick bathrobe are much appreciated.
It was enough to make one wonder if 'demon bunny' could constitute an actual curse. May your teeth fall out, your crops rot, and demon bunnies nick all your stuff.
The weather was warm enough at the Caribbean inlet, but Rae was wet and weary, and while winter was technically on its way out of the pseudo-Scottish countryside, it was still plenty chilly, and the muddy ground was frigid under her bare feet.
Her teeth were chattering by the time she reached the bar room's back door - the key to her room had been in her coat pocket, anyway, so she figured she might as well go directly in. The Bar's offerings of a fluffy (whole, and unsinged!) towel and a thick bathrobe are much appreciated.
OOM - Taking 'tipsy' Autor upstairs
Oct. 30th, 2014 12:30 amRae has to remind herself to be mindful of Autor's impaired state and his sprained ankle as they leave the bar room behind. She doesn't want to hurt him, but she has to call on reserves of patience and fortitude she didn't know she had just to keep herself from hurrying him along.
Her heartbeat is loud in her ears, over the ongoing sounds of Autor's drowsy banter as she helps him up the stairs, her jaw clenched tight. Apart from being happily drunk, he is fine. Not hurt in any way.
They are halfway down the last hall to Autor's room when the words burst forth.
"What the everloving fuck do you think you're doing, Autor?" she says miserably, swaying from his weight as she stops, unable to continue.
Her heartbeat is loud in her ears, over the ongoing sounds of Autor's drowsy banter as she helps him up the stairs, her jaw clenched tight. Apart from being happily drunk, he is fine. Not hurt in any way.
They are halfway down the last hall to Autor's room when the words burst forth.
"What the everloving fuck do you think you're doing, Autor?" she says miserably, swaying from his weight as she stops, unable to continue.
